G-3 Performance Journal
P-1
[[collapsible]]
8/6/08
Had an idea for remaking the cliche's of porn today. Use men instead of women. Will go deeper later.
8/9/08
Had a photoshoot today. Two seniors Arianna and Jacob, they're dating and wanted combo senior portraits and couple shoot.
I (amazingly) got them up early, 6:15, and we went into Kinston. We shot at the gardens and koi pond first, getting all the sweet shots. Rose bushes, fountain, bridge. They were both cute and funny. It took Jacob a little while to loosen up, he was quite stiff in many of his pictures. We had a good time, I got about 500 shots of which I gave them 312. Two sets, one hi resolution for printing and one web set. I was able to go through delete, blurry or bad lighting pics, do some inital touch up and many of them and hand them a disk tonight. I like the shots, don't know how they are going to feel about them. I have an agreement with Arianna already, and I know (Technically) I can put her shots up anywhere I want to. I do not however have Jacobs, so I will need to get that so that I can post some of the photo's on here. We were out for 5 hours, but I was still home before saturday morning cartoons were over.
8/10/08
OK, got a message from Tjae who wants to do a photoshoot. He had a lot of ideas but one of them really stuck out and it was to do a mechanics shoot. I can see this whole image of him working on this car with a girl in the driver seat. I was trying to remember where I've seen something like this before. Female mechanic is one of those porn industry standard images, like catholic school girl, super heroines and librarians. It got me to thinking. What if I redid the shots, but with a male as the female. male/female nurse, male/female stripper, etc, etc. Of course I said I was going to focus more on video and animation this time, so i was trying to figure out how I could work in video as well, other than simply videoing the photoshoot. During a discussion with Miranda one third of my best friend triad (See the journal archives, first entry), she said music video. My brain immediately started working in that direction. I don't know what music, and I haven't even got the photoshoot arranged yet, but I like this idea and I'm going to try to work with it.
8/15/08
OK Sunday is the shoot. I couldn't get any girls, both of the female models I thought would be ready to work ended up not answering (Damn flaky models) so it's going to be just a guy. I'm thinking, red latex outfit for the stripper thing, wonder woman, for the fantasy thing, black pants and whip for dominatrix, catholic school girl, country girl, with cut-offs and tied plaid shirt and cowgirl hat… all this on a guy. In various locations, possibly contradictory… Yeah definitely contradictory. SO happy herione user, country girl in the back alley, Wonderwoman on a playground… no dominatrix on a playground, wonderwoman… in an empty field. Just taking the porn cliches and turning them on their ear. Then I'm also going to do a Goth shot, that is more for him, but the video footage will be used in the music video… still haven't found a song I want to do though. and the last shoot, if we even do it is the mechanic, but I really want a girl for that shot.
8/16/08
It's been a week since the shoot with Arianna and Jacob, I asked for their permission to post the pix (I still have to get Jacobs consent to post) and I haven't heard anything. I've seen Arianna twice over the past week and she said she liked the shots, but she hasn't posted or told me which ones she wants printed or anything. I'm a little worried they don't like the shots. I mean, i don't get pid for this, I do it for fun and for the practice and cause they are my friends,but still… I guess I'm having some esteem issues at the moment. I'm going to post some of the pix here. Just so I can get them up and look at them from a different view maybe. I'll keep them collapsed in a block so no one can see them unless they opent he block. That way, they aren't readily seen.
later
I reviewed some of my photography. I feel conceited saying it, but I really like some of my work. I think my best shoots are the concept shoots. Senior pictures and things just don't bring out the artist in me. But shoots like the psycho mom and goth girls, I really like. I think my stuff is just too weird for most people. I would actually really like some feedback on that. Is my stuff just too weird and if so, how do I make money as a photographer when I work better with weird?
Later
Sometimes I want to rip my hair out over this Wiki page. I spent almost an hour trying to get the code just right so theanimoto videos would play and their not even that great. I've spent so much time learning HTML that's it's difficult to remember this language. Anyway, I'm trying out some new websites for video/image manipulation, but so far I haven't found anything that was any better or easier than anything I already have. Plus I really don't like have control over the final product taken away from me and that seems to be what animoto does. slideboom isn't going to do me any good right now, I"m not big into powerpoint and picsaweb won't work with my mac, which really sux cause that's the one I want to try the most. At this point it was really be kinda stupid to try to switch out of photobucket. I have thousands of pictures on there between three different accounts. It's the only place I can find my old stuff without having to dig through everything I have hear at home. Guess this is my version of spring cleaning. Finding new websites to help me organize my overabundance of pictures.
8/17/08
photo shoot went well, Tjae is pretty cool. The shoot got off track though. I got a lot of nice shots, but I lost the Turning porn cliches on their ear idea after the first costume change. We shot for 5 hours and video'd the majority of it. I found the cable so I will put up the car mount video tonight if possible,but the music video won't be up till next weekend. We're doing another shoot and this way I'll have more footage. I am currently waiting for the pix to go through the batch for logo and stuff.
Later
I gave Tjae his disk and he signed the consent form as did Jacob, so I'm all clear there.
During the shoot, I realized my initial ideas were not really going to work. Tjae was willing to do some stuff, but the concept just wasn't holding. How do I fix this? Do I nee to fix this? I'm not sure how to explain what went wrong and I'm even in this state of mind where I can't exactl explain what it was I wanted to do in the first place. Maybe I need a break. I have been working since 6am either taking pictures, editing pictures, uploading pictures or delivering pictures…. I'm going to breath for awhile.
8/20/08
During research on video art today I found out about poetronic, videoPoetry Art. I'm excited! Can't wait till I'm home so I can look some of it up and watch it. I can't believe that is something else that I was doing before I ever found out it was an artform.
8/21/08
I always think I don't spend enough hours on the work that I do, but I'm beginning to realize that considering all the times I multitask or use my break time to study, research or whatever, that I'm getting in more time than I thought. So after a week and a half, I have 52 hours, so I'm about on schedule. I don't usually worry about being so strict about it, but I'm going through an OCD moment. I think I just feel rather out of control with my life.
I think Tjae may have gone the way of so many other models. I don't know what it is I do to scare them off, but after the first shoot we always make plans for a second and then they disappear. Anyway, we were suppose to shoot this weekend and I haven't heard from him. I don't know what's going on, but I think I am going to have to go ahead and make the video with what I have.
I have decided to add an art in the margins section here. I'm going to scan the little bits of art I do in the margins of pages, I haven't really got a reason at the moment, other than It's part of my art practice, to draw as much as possible. Plus drawing during meetings keeps me from zoning out and loosing track of the conversation.
The more I study about video essays and video poetry and the people who make these things, the more I want to make video's pertaining to me and my experiences and less about specific historical or artistic arenas. I'm not sure that I'm making sense, but for me, my study plan as a whole can be summed up as I want to learn about me as an artist. I feel like, especially last semester, that I was doing more "assignments" based on history, rather than me. Much of that was my choice, but I think, I want to stray away from the sex and prostitutes in art and go more towards sex and prostitutes in my life. I think it was what I wanted last year too, but I didn't know how to do it. I couldn't articulate it. Now I believe what I am interested in doing isn't studying the things that catch my attention, but finding out about why they catch MY attention. What has happened in my life to make these things important. rather than focusinf on the art history of these things. It's not really going to chnage the study plan so much, rather look at it from a different perspective.
8/24/08
So didn't need to worry about Tjae. We shot all day yesterday, video and film. Great time, had some good ideas, still have a couple more ideas we are planning on doing but they relate to specific ideas that we need specific props for so they will have to wait. Took video and pictures today at the beach. G0t some great footage of jelly fish that I am sure I will use in some of my new video ideas. I am trying to collect video for some of the video essays. Some of it is purposeful and other is by chance. I also took a break today. I sat on the beach and didn't work. I think I'm entitled, but the beach always make me more… introspective. The vastness of the ocean, the knowledge that no matter how hard I look or how hard i swim I will not make land. It is just water, teeming with life, the water we were all born from, evolved from organisms from. It is our mother and the land is our father and the ocean beckons us all back to her womb. The sheer size of it is enough to make one contemplate the insignificance of your own personal life in the grand scheme of the world, faced with a living, moving mothers, millions of years old.
8/26/08
"I am good at running" Music video/experimental video here
When it began, I was simple interested in the way willow had taken the pictures. The last time she took several, I used them to create little digital art/poetry pieces. I considered oing the same with these, but when I looked ta them, you could see the obvious movement int he pictures. We were walking a trail at the beach behind the aquarium. She had begun to complain of stomach pains and didn't want to walk. I gave her the camera and asked her to take some pictures for me. It works every time. I put the pictures in different order and played with them for awhile. I couldn't get the progression that I really wanted. There were too many missing shots, of course now I plan on going out and taking a whole series of shots of me walking around so I can get the sequence I wanted from hers. Inspiration thy name is Willow. So I started working with the idea of pattern. I didn't worry too much about which pictures I chose and I put them into a pattern. I noticed the rhythmic progress of the images and knew I had a song somewhere that would fit. 30 seconds to mars, I'll attack. Once I had my basic pattern I decided I wanted video with it as well. I had this traveling theme, moving…. So at first I used the footage from the camera mount, just to see if it would work. It was good, but not perfect. So I looked through some of the other stuff I had and found old footage I had taken my first semester that I had planned to use to create a video montage that would be something of a cathartic release for the emotional pain I was holding on it… am still holding onto. I was so invested as of last night that I took the laptop to school with me and worked on it every free second I had. during planning, lunch, between classes. I worked al day to finish it. It's not what I would call great and it is full of personal meanings, but I like it for now.
8/30 & 31/08
I really hate inarticulate ideas
For the past two days I have worked almost non stop (bathroom, food, and sleep were the only exceptions) on different things. I'm not hurrying or rushing or trying to get done… I"m stuck. I have this …video. I want to do something amazing with the footage of Tjae and the shoot, but everytime I work on it, it comes out looking like a PSA or advert for something. Or, it looks like I"m a newbie showing what my new computer can do. Blech… I would like to think that ever when I was a n00b, my work didn't look like one… but I'm sure it did. Anyway, I can't articulate what I'm trying to do and I end up using the special effects to make the footage look more interesting or I do other things while I'm trying to think. SO I've spent two days working on everything I could think of and getting plenty of work done, other than what I wanted to get done. I have a video, which I am not wanting to put up, but probably will, but I just can't articulate what it is I'm trying to do.
9/1/08 Labor day (No work YEAH!!)
Gots the willies
Certain undertakings make me nervous. I think it is fear of failure, or of not being able to finish, or maybe not being able to explain why I'm doing what I'm doing. I'm having it over two projects right now. The tjae footage project, that I envisioned as either a music video or possibly a video on the nature of interdisciplinary. Perform the abstract idea of it. But the video is not working the way I want it to. I think its because the footage is too blah. The other project I'm having a problem with is the one I just came up with. I outlined it better in the the Ideas section but basically it is going to be a video essay on my own sexuality along with interviews by various people on porn and sex. I don't know if it's too big or if I just feel too exposed or what. I'm having lots of issues right now. Maybe I have too much sugar in my system. made french toast, that might have done it… obviously I'm not very focused. I looked over all the work I have, I'm not sure if I've done enough or if its even the right stuff. I think I got caught up in the work and may have strayed from the study plan and stuff. I've done pretty good making sure that I work everyday. I haven't le the family guilt me too much into not working and being with them. I think the fact that I leave the door open so that they can come in whenever they want helps. The kids are pretty good, they just want a hug or kiss. Mitchell wants to have long pointless conversations. But non0the-less, I have gotten my work done, though I feel like some of it's not obvious. Like when I search for the perfect song for three hours and then have to download it (Which occasionally takes awhile) I feel like that part of the work isn't seen…. But I guess since this is being viewed by another artist maybe that is taken into consideration, or maybe I need to outline it here… which I just did so, yeah me!
Later
I spent all day trying to get everything just right with what I've already done and figured I'd work on the sodding video after dinner, and now the damn things not wanting to work. I've decided to export the first unfinished version so I can compare and contrast, but the program is being slow and not wanting to work. Grrrrr…. Took some impromptu pix before dinner. Agreed to go for a little hike with the kids and got pictures out in the woods. Haven't done anything with them yet. Lots of times, I really feel like I'm not creative enough. For instance mt photographs. They are ok, but often I want to use them to produce some other kind of image, but i can never come up with anything to do with them. … I movie just quit AGAIN!!! I'm not exporting the current version. I am just going to work on it and not worry about trying to export anymore.
P-2
9/7/08
I am completely stuck or lost or something. I don't know if it's because of Mark, I'm having a hard time focusing and I keep straying back to him, or if it's cause I honestly don't know what to do. I feel kinda adrift again. I probably shoulda kept some of the adderall instead of giving it all to Bri. even my typing is worse than usual. I took a little break, but the little break became a too long break.Think maybe I need to review my study plan or something.
Later
I decided to do some animation tests. I'm still trying to figure out exactly to do what I want to do. I think it's going to be a big conglomeration of animation styles. I started today with a stop action test. I made of video of me working that am going to pair with the finished tests to amke another video. I tried for a different camera angle. instead of looking over my shoulder the camera is looking down on my hands. It took the better part of an hour just to set up and I hated to take it down, but my work area is outside and I won't leave my stuff out there. Anyway, one of my first ideas was to do a fabric/doll animation, using fabric for everything. Sky, grass, snow, etc. It would be shot with dolls as the actors. THe test shots came out ok, but this is not the only type of animation I plan to use. The style I tested today will be better, I think for faraway shots, where you want to see the background. But if I'm doing close up things I will probably use a different style. Not sure will have to try some other tests first. I used ready made toys as my models this time, and I had to use very small toys in order for the scenes to work, which is another reason I am thinking this will be for distance things. SOme came out pretty good, others not so well. All th epictures were untouched. I think if I take some things into photoshop and play with them that I can give it a more fairy tale feel, I will try that later. I need to get final cut pro up and running, but it's not wanting to work and I can't find my disk. I could layer if I had that working. Plus I could use green screen.
9/8/08
After thinking about the tests from yesterday I realize I am going to have to make several different versions of the characters. Pauline especially. She will need to be in a small figurine form, a puppet, a doll, flash, drawn…. I think, when the final piece is shown that I will display the different pieces that were made along with the video being shown. I'm not sure how to make the figurines… maybe out of clay or sculpy. I probably need to start making the dolls for the work. I did my test dolls last semester, but I haven't begun on the actual dolls. I'm considering using a few more found objects than I originally intended. A ready made crow, a ready made peacock… etc, etc. So this semester might have less about sex and more work done on the big project. I realized after watching the video, that 6 is too long for the clips and 3 is too short. I will have to play with the timing, but i'm thinking 5. Will have to see. I really hope I can FCP working, cause if Ihave th add the layers in PSD, it's gonna take forever.
9/09/08
So today I worked mainly in flash. After reacquainting myself with the basics. I did a few tests. most did not turn out very well, but I haven't done flash in 3 years and then it was only basic stuff. I think a great deal of the story will be done in flash, if I get more comfortable with it. I can do almost everything in it that I can do in final cut pro… ok that's an exageration, but I can't get FCP to work and it's pissing me off. I'll upload the tests I did later. they are all very basic.
On the way home I started being all depressed and thinking about Mark again… but it turned out not to be so bad this time. I had an idea, which may have been had by someone else already, but I'm having it anyway. I want to make a visual poem, but it just be visual. No voice reciting it, not written on the screen to read, the images that are shown are the poem. There isn't really a poem to go with it… it's the poem I haven't been able to write. I don't have words, but I do have images. I'm not sure if I'm explaining this correctly. I guess this is probably what most art films are though… I need to do more research.
9/10/08
I seriously think one of the things that irks me more than anything is when technology doesn't work when it's suppose to. I don't mean the… Oh my software's acting flaky or the computer is running slow, no I mean the I've tried every fucking thing in the world including calling my best friend who's a computer Geek IT guy from hell and I still can't figure out what's going on. I am a firm believer that the user is an idiot, even when it's me and that the majority of problems happen because the user is stupid. I realize this and much of my computer work has been trial and error, but with very successful results (after reading guerrilla video I realize I have been one all along) but when something that should work doesn't and there really, honestly doesn't seem to be an explanation, not even, I"m an idiot. I get seriously irked. I mean come on! How hard is it to make the things that are used regularly work together? I should be able to export flash and upload it to the internet no problems. but no, I have to turn it into an annoying never ending GIF that loops continuously on my page like some perverse perpetual motion device… If only I could power something with the gifs I will have to create just to be able to upload them on the net… It seems like they should, they are like the hamster of the internet. THe little critters constantly running in their wheels… If a page is not watched do the gifs get looping? A hi-tech if a tree falls I guess… Kinda blows the mind to think fo all the millions of tiny little gifs out there on the internet perpetually looping in some sick binary hamster dance even when not being watched.
later
I got my packet response back and for the first time in all the time I've been there, I totally get what's going on, I still feel good about my work and I have a path… or rather some choices of paths to follow. Of course knowing me I'll go off hiking and not even follo the path, but I feel good about this. Yeah!
9/11/08
SO hit a snag in my wonderful plan today. Mt site has been banned from the school system which means I can not longer work on my site at work when I have a break. I got a lot of my work done then. Guess I'll deal.
I'm was wondering today, if the stuff I don't try hard at and just kinda do it, but don't plan t out is good does that mean the stuff that I am working hard on and trying to make great will be terrible?
9/13/08
Caught in a self-destructive spiral again. I've lost interest in everything but my video poem and forgetting. have worked alot on the video poem, but not enough to have it finished yet. I't hard, trying to forget but I keep having to remember to make th poem. Will hopefully pull myself out of this in a few days.
9/14/08
Not feeling self-destructive anymore, but I"m also stuck. I feel like I'm never gonna make any progress with sex and porn research cause it's all the same. I keep reading diferent articles and never read anything new. I don't know what to do about the practicum, I'm still working on the poetry, I've watched movies and done research on directors but for some reason everything feels stale. It's like nothing I'm learning is new nothing is inspiring me. I think I may take off for the day.
9/19/08
Didn't realize it had been so long since I updated. I have started working on the dark mind project in earnest. I still have some scenes to video for the poem, but i"m not wanting to do them right now, not sure why, so I'm going on with something else, til the initiative to finish it kicks in. So far I have designed the figurine. I have to paint it and design the face and everything, bake it to make it soli, if I'm gonna do that, I don't know. I've done 4 pages of story board and have discovered the story sucks. I am going to rewrite it, keep the parts I like and get rid of the rest. I may do two versions, like a screen play and a book, but more like an animation script and a comic. I really want to create more of a style with my art like Sarah Mesinga's art. She has such a distinctive style. It's so alive. I want my style to be more flowy and less stoic. I've done a little research, but I haven't been in the reading writing kind of mood. I did come up with an idea that would be story like. The story of a short from creation to donation… or something like that. But in a Vonnegut, I am the houseplant kinda way.
9/20/08
Wish I knew what was wrong with me. I can't seem to get myself to work for real. I kinda work for a bit, but I'm not happy with what comes out and I can't seem to get into my rhythm, which means I'm working against my grain. I tried making some things today. THey came out well, but at the same time, they aren't college oriented. They are part of my art practice, but not of what I'mstudying. I still feel guilty for doing things that are not on my "list" so to speak. Anyway, I made three bags, a sleeve and a glove. I need to make a doll, but Haven't gotten around to that. I still haven't done the video either. I don't know why I won't get it done. I'm only three scenes from finishing it.
9/22/08
I did more pages on the storyboard. Wrote more of the screenplay. I started working on the concept art for one piece, did a lot of reasearch to find images to help me. here those images are. Started sewing again, got to get myself ready for that task.
9/23/08
Finished the video work today thanks to Mitchell. He made me get up and do it. Got possible bad news on the health front today, don't really want to work but will anyway.
Later
Finished editing the video, it still needs work I feel. Why can't I ever get things to look the way they do in my head? Frustrating. Anyway, at the cost of alienating my kids (and after driving all over kinston to find the f' soccer field) I finally got the video as finished as it's going to be for this packet.
9/24/08
reworking the running video. Gonna try Erica's suggestion. Packet is due today, probably not gonna get to turn it in till tonight.
P-3
9/29/08
Good god almighty! My brain is running a million miles an hour. I have so many ideas right now. I'm rying to do about a million things. Glad to know the emotional shit from last packet is evidently over. I just sent off a zip file to Erica with stuff for the evo girls book… which I still can't believe she asked me to do. She has sent me two underwater camera things. One was fucking hilarious and I'm going out to buy condoms as soon as I get some money. And then she sent me a link to some underwater still camera for really cheap. So I"m setting aside 30 bucks for cameras and condoms… LOL And I'm not even making a porno. Speaking of porno's, I finally finished the sex essay… at least I felt it was at a good stopping point and I'm already working on the video. This is the video where I am going to use animation to illustrate the essay… or something like that. SO I'm gonna take a break on the dark mind stuff, though I did make my first marionette this weekend. A lot harder than I thought it would be and it's retarded. It won't walk right… maybe it's the puppeteer that has problems. wow, it amazes me how happy one little link made me. I want to do a whole series of shoots underwater and half in half out and in the rain and anything else I can think of. I ned to call Tjae since he's the only model that's answering my calls at the moment. So back to work! Digital!!
LAter
Got stuck, but think I will do animations in the style of Monty python. Which means getting pictures to cut out.
9/30/08
I spent the majority of the day looking for a second job and worrying about bills. But besides that. I drew a little and read some margaret atwood. Requested reading from Rick. He said he though we had a similar style or something. Also watched Cube and have decided to do a "What makes a great movie in my opinion" essay. Came up with the idea to do a more Abstract animation for the sex esay, flowers and stuff, things that are sex related in ways… the birds and the bees, etc, etc. Maybe, don't know.
10/1/08
Happy October!! Yeah, my favorite month! Well Tjae started txting me the other day to shoot and I told him today. I hoped that we would be able to do the PSA thing, but we needed a girl. He didn't have one yet. Then this morning, an hour before he was suppose to be here, he tells me he has a girl. Which means I have to rearrange the whole shooting thing due to time, lighting and location. We can't be in the middle of la grange half naked, which was where we were going to be originally. We decided to shoot the bonnie and clyde bt first. it went well, but I swear I hate shooting at 9, 9-11 you need to be inside, unless it's cloudy, and it wasn't. So half the shots have Tjae and Austi with scrunched up faces uncomfortable and eyes watering. We did two parts for B&C, then and now. The now was more thugish, but these two can barely pull off thugish. The PSA shoot was focused and I tried hard to not go overboard with the pictures or the ideas. just three ideas and three poses per idea then i picked the best from each group. It was both harder and easier. harder to stop and say i was done when Im use to taking so many more. easier cause it was less pictures to edit.
10/11/08
I've been so busy I haven't had time to update. Between going back to work, the kids homework, kessy's soccer, Everyone being grounded, and working on 2 video projects at the same time I completely forgot to come write. I finished my video essay rant on the state of things in america, I guess… I feel like what I say is mostly garbage, it is how I feel, but I can't even find a name for it… Iguess it's that whole line of consciousness thing. I thought about calling it anarchy or something about anarchy, but really I don't get on that topic enough. There's something indefinite about the work, the words… But I like that about it. to me it defies definition almost. I still have to go write about it, but "m getting ready to go make another video of me making a mixed media pice that goes along with the other video I started. So I started doing the animation work for the sex essay. I forgot the tripod and really only had one day in which I could do the work and not be interrupted by anyone. SO I had to figureout a way to rig the camera pointing down. I ended up putting it between two tables pointed at the floor and I sat on the floor to do the paper stuff. It wasn't exactly what I wanted,bt I like it. it has this grungy, antique look to it. It needs work, my animation really needs work. It's extremely simple… and it took me 5 hours to do and it isn't even half of the video. I think the reason it took so long was because Ihad to edit the pictures down in size and rather than use a still camera I used the video camera. I know there are easier ways to do it, but I just did it my way first,,, so now any thing will be easier. When I finished editing and realized that it was not at all long enough for my voice over I had to come up with something. originally I though I would put acutally porn scenes in there, but then I decided against it. I chose to use photographs instead, since that I what I talk about int he story. I still have to find some more images though. Then, after taking all my little people from the animation up, and getting ready to throw them away, I thought they would be interesting in a painting, then it became a mixed medis piece, which is what I am getting ready to do now. I want to do 2, the first has the things fro the nimation, the people the images, the 2nd would have other images that are not directly from the film, images similar but not the same. If I was ever able to display it. I would have the first mized media piece, put a flat screen plasma with the video showing next and the third would be the images not from the video… like a whats' to come kind of piece.
Later
I've decided to put the images in the video, but not as animation, just as images.
10/12/08
This sex video is never going to be done. I worked all day yesterday, I've worked all day so far today and I still have more voice over and no more video, without repeating something that I don't want to repeat. THe majority of the clips are 7-11 seconds long, so I have to have a ton in order to cover the 6 minutes of talking I did. I'm running out of ideas here.
So watch some su friedrich for some ideas. Added some blackness in spots, then listened to the last part of the voice over and decided to go ahead with the actual video. The last section is the ony part that talks about porn video, so it seems to fit, though I feel it is disconnected from the other part of the video. I'm considering going back and changing the way I blurred the video to look more like static and noise, like on a TV with bad reception. RIght now it's just pointilized.
10/17/08
I feel like I have been working on this paper forever. I finally get it almost finished I can't find one stinking piece of paper. never throw anything away that has written words on it. But I can't find this one that has the artist statement that I started workin gon at Goddard in it. THe Erica helped me with. So I'm irritated at that. Plus it is not 9:05 and this is te first time i have had a chance to it down and work on school stuff, but I have yet to get to sit down and rest.
P-4
10/17/08 (3pm)
GOing to Laurinburg. Want to video the places I use to go for a memory/pandora's box kind of thing. Cemetary, lake, other lake, woods, etc, etc. Came up with this idea, started it actully. I downloade porn video and put them into imovie. I created stills from certain images, close up images and opened them in photoshop. I maniulate the work, I made a couple of different images. The last thing I did was create an abstracted image from the pictures which I intend on painting. SO far I have 4 that I want to paint.
Later… actually it is the next day, but I haven't went to bed yet. (3am)
Wrote a poem and lost it, got stuck on side of road. Was undertaking some poetic terrorism, about to write, "Make a decision already" on a double arrow sign and I got stuck. Ironically enough it made me make a decision. I'm ending it with Mitchell. He wasn't there when I needed him. I wish I could find that poem. Went to the graveyard, but didn't video, it was too dark.
10/18/08
Wanted to take video and pictures today, but mom kept me busy visiting dying friends, talking about everything, grocery shopping, fixing her computer. I eventually hid away from everyone and went to sleep. I only got a couple of hours last night. I woke up with Mitchell there. I thought I broke it off. Evidently he wanted another chance. The kids wanted to give him another chance and I told him he was on probation from week to week. I think I need to make a movie about this shit. Wait they have those, their called soap operas.
10/19/08
Had another seizure… why do I always have them after packet 3… weird… Mitchell said I was really weird during it. I've heard it all before. He's being really great. I guess whatever I said to him, or whatever happened really changed his mind. IDK, I don't trust it but it has given me some ideas. We say guys re bing dicks when they are behaving the way we don't like… Dick head, prick, pecker head… THe penis has lots of negative conotations… what are the others and what are the ones toward the vagina? Still didn't get to go video and we are getting ready to go home. Still defragmenting moms computer and deleting cookies and stuff. Spent three days here and didn't get anything done but one lost poem.
10/20/08
Short photoshoot. Wanted close up pictures of penis, lighting wasn't great so I only got about three. Still workin gout the articulating on my idea for this one. definitly working on that crossing lines thing here.
10/22/08
idea for abstract art. Imagine an art gallery, you walk into the show looking at abstract images, large, 15 feet high, several of them. You study each one in turn, discussing the color or possibly your interpretations. At the end of the gallery there is a window and statement to read. You read the statement in front of the mirror.
"The paintings you just viewed are close-up paintings of people having sex, 15 foot high genitalia inserted in other genitalia." It would be better than thought obviously, still working on it, anyway, behind the mirror is a camera. it would record the reactions as people read it. Outside the gallery would be a video showing the people as they found out. The reactions are more the art than the painting is. I'm still working on this, but that's the initial idea.
10/25/08
Whew! I painted all day. It took forever and I sliced my hand open trying to open a paint tube to get the last of the paint out, but I finally finished the painting I've been trying to do for a week now. I took a still from a porno, manipulated it in photoshop printed it out and painted it. It's my first real abstract painting and I'm rather round of it. I attempted to paint impasto and a LOT looser than I usually do. I don't know if it is successful compositionally or not. I feel that is really one of my weaknesses. I don't know what to do to improve it though, other than practice and creation. I'm also unsure if this would truly be considered abstract. Would it be non-objective, abstract or both considering it originally came from a source that was "real"
10/26/08
Iritation!!!! Flickr deleted my account. I lost a lot of images and I"m not even 100% which ones they are other than the most recent ones. I hate this, the account starts to get noticed a bit and they delete it. I have to rework everything anyway, I guess I know what I'm doing today.
10/28/08
I got a little irritated today when one of the teachers at my school mentioned that they were asked to paint picture for the silent auction coming up but I wasn't… then about 5 seconds later I realized that nothing I do could be at a silent auction for school, then a realized I don't want to make art that would be at a silent auction for a school. SO there!
10/29/08
THe new site is up. I tried many different things. I don't know if they will make it worse or better. First off I tried a new look, something easier on the eyes and hopefully easier to read. I've changes the navigation. Pretty much everything is on the side and is listed in a way that makes sense to me, but not sure if it does to anyone else though. THe journals are up top. I considered making htis more like a general Blog, but I likw the seperation of the different elements. SOme pages like the still aimges have tabs. It cuts down on the number of pages. THe main page has cells to hold as much of the new stuff as possible. The major things are there at least. I like it and it took forever, but it's pretty much done. I want to change the color of the tabe, they don't go with everything else, but I have had time to figure it out.
10/30/08
For some reason got really hung on on personal spirituality today. think it's cause Miranda keeps joking about "The force", but I don't know what else to call it. I did some research and learned about some people I didn't know about. I lile doing the ype of off hand research, where things just leand from one area to the next.
10/31/08
Not really art practice related, but I spent all day making halloween costumes.
11/1/08
I've decided to create questionnaire. I will put it out to online friends and also just to the general online community. I'm hoping to get plenty of people answering the survey which is about sex and porn.
11/2/08 I almost wrote 10/33/08 so sad… can you tell I'm sick.
Head colds are the worse kind of cold, cause there is no real reason to miss work, or have people treat you extra nice or get to sit on your ass and have people bring you stuff the way they do when it's something more serious… No wait, that;s what I do for them. Anyway, I spent all day painting again only I didn't have one canvas but four. I stapled them together so I could paint the piece the way I did the other one. I've decided to keep painting these with my hands, It's feels right for some reason. Although i worry that the images are coming out too childish.
11/3/08
When I compared the two pieces there is an obvious visual connection, almost like they could be the same image… even though they aren't, but also a change from oen to the next, I'm ready to do a third, to see how it changes. I won't be able to do one for awhile though, I have to get the money to buy another cavas or 4 or 8.
11/4/08
I have come full circle, but I do not know how to make it obvious. Back in 2004 I did a series of works where I choreographed danced, taught it to some dancers and then photographed the dance as it was being performed. The photographs and the dance were the fall of Rome. I always wanted to do an instillation with the dance projected on white Romanesque ruins and the photographs displayed on the oposite wall. meanwhile the original score that was created for the dance would be playing. I never got to do the installation, but I have found in the "dick" piece a correlation that I did not know before. The use o the phallic symbol in ancient rome and greece as a symbol of protection. It would be great if I could find a way to bring the two together to somehow make a complete piece.
11/5/08
I did not realize how important the election was to me until I became "scared" that mccain would win. I had a series of dreams in which Mccain won and Sarah Palin immediately took over ceating a facist regime in which I had to rasie a rebellion against in order to overthrow her and of course it went on for years and my children had to take my place and it was a very unhappy tme… I was relieved when Obama won. I feellike I should do some propaganda artwork with palin as dictator, of course it's kinda pintless at this point, and quite frankly I'm sick of seeing her face.
Later
I feel like I'm in a dream… no more like this is not the real world. I'm actually in a coma, and the person I love is beside me waiting for me to wake up and I'm here. unable to shake the coma and living this life which doesn't seem real. Maybe the sara palin dream is reality and that's why I'm here. I can't live in a world where she is forcing everyone to dress like a stepford. If I had another life though, if this was a come, I would be worried that when I woke up I wouldn't have my kids. I'd give up pretty much anything else… except maybe my art… that would depend on wht the other life offered. How doI capture theset houghts and put them into an artowrk? That is really a huge question for me.
G-3 Journal
1/14/09
Happy anniversary to me… 6 years ago he walked out leaving myself and three children with no money, no home, no food and nowhere to go but back to mama. Pathetic, but true, my entire life was wrapped up in him. I woke early, loaded up my meager posessions and my most valued ones (The kids) and drove through a blizzard and ice storm to run away. The drive took 10 hours, it was usually a 5 hour drive. I don't remember much else except making it there. the past 6 years have been a blur. I'm not happy, I"m not sad, I just am.
Cal,
I dreamed about last night. I saw you in my rearview mirror and got out to hug you. You were different, older, you had tatoos, and a harshness behind your eyes that I couldn't help but wonder if I had helped put there. We walked into the club together, i raised up to kiss you chastely, I didn't think you'd mind, but your tight lipped mouth said otherwise. You have always confused me, this was no different. Once inside we started talking and you leaned down and kissed me for real, the sweet lingering kisses you use to give me years ago. I can remember the way the club looked vividly and that haunted look in your eye. I wondered while looking at you how many other people had helped put that look there. When we pulled away from the kiss I smiled at you and walked away to get a drink. I was distracted, began talking to someone else… that's our story, I get distracted. This isn't meant to be a love story, or a lost love story, but you always confused me and I always got distracted. The dream was so nice, it felt real, but it was also sad, I never went back, i wandered off and woke before I realized I left you standing against the wall.
It's a little late this year, but it's about time for me to ask the yearly question, DO you ever think of me. You, the young one with the chocolate eyes that melted me. The scarred back that I would choose over smooth anyday. The lips that were perfect and the nose that wasn't. The other one that left me. Do you ever think of me, miss my arms, my mouth, my voice? Have you forgotten? I know I"ll never know, but I also know I'll never stop asking.
I know why I dn't like the appearance of old friends. I makes me realize I am not where I want to be or who I want to be with. I always thought I would marry Mike B. THt somehow we would come together int he end and everything would be like in the movies and I would have my happily ever after. If I have contact with them, I will evetually hear about you and find out that you have kids, been maried three times, are gay, life long bachelor, live in thailand, whatever and I will have to loose that last tiny grain of innocence that I have. That little tiny piece that gives me hope for something better than this. I don't want to know. I want to pretend… I also don't want to talk about old times, but that is just a minor reason.
Can it be called a midlife crisis when I've always hated my life, my job, my lover and location? Yeah, I want everything to be different,but I always want everythin to be different. SO nothing is different and everything is the same. Glad we cleared that up.
1/8/09
It's been awhile since I've posted anything and this is going to be a more personal rant, which I also haven't done in awhile… which becomes part of the rant. Growing up I wasn't allowed to bitch and complain and vent. It just wasn't done in my house by the kids. Parents, all the damn time, but I didn't have anyone to talk to. SO I kept everything bottles up until I exploded, usually at school, getting myself in trouble, etc, etc. Then I met Sean and he taught me to talk about my problems and once he got it through my think skull I talked alot. I vented and ranted and went on and on about my problems till I felt better. Then he left and I got a blog. I vented and ranted on there, then I got a couple of friends, I vented and ranted to them and on my blog, then I feel in love with a control freak and stopped complaining and blogging because he was listening and reading sand driving me crazy, then he left, then I got a boyfriend who lives with me and I can't vent to him, because it always causes and argument… cause I'm usually venting about him, and I have two friends that I can really vent to, but their always busy, and I lost the blogging bug due to hours spent on the computer blogging for school. So here I am, unable to vent to anyone again, bottling it up and ready to explode. So I came her to get it out, but it's been so long I don't even know what it is I'm trying to get out. I'm depressed, big surprise there, I'm disappointed in almost every arena of my life, I'm tired of listening to everyone else bitch and complain (My kids, my friends, my co-workers, my BF) but being unable to complain myself without starting an argument. I don't like my job, I don't like the places my kids go to school, I don't like my kids friends, I don't like the people that live around here that call me their friend (Not talking about my real friends) I don't like my house or the area that we live and much of the time I don't like my BF. And for those people who say stop bitching and fix it or change it, I've tried, I'm trying. I have dumped my BF several times only to have him keep coming back, I have tried and tried to find a new job,but there isn't anything open, I'm still looking, but I' have been looking since October, I've looked and looked for places to move to. I avoid the people who live around here and I try my best to not focus on the positive but dammit, it just keeps coming up. Even my son said it feels like if we don't get out of here soon that we never will. But the current straw that is breaking my back is my birthday… yes it's petty and unimportant in the long run but I just feel that it is really the cruxt of the entire problem. the situation, not my actually birthday. I told everyone I didn't want anything for my birthday, I just wanted them to spend time with me, be nice, etc,etc. The morning started off pretty good, I got to sleep a little late, after a small argument Mitchell got up and got the kids off to school. The argument mainly focused on his inability to say yes or no. then he made me a breakfast which was also more difficult than it had to be, cause he only ever makes me one thing for breakfast, but or some reason had to make a big deal about me asking for something specific… That miniii argument could go either way. SO after a nice breakfast and shower we got up, went out to shoot the gun, (redneck moment) and ate lunch. I paid for lunch, I didn't mind. he doesn't have any money and I know that which is why I didn't want anything. We went to the mall, walked around and came home, nice and easy. He went to work then and the kids came home. i did homework with them and we went out. I had every intention of going to cold stone creamery, but evidently that wasn't going to work out for me. They were out of business. I was shocked and disappointed, but I'd live. We went shopping I got a sweater and tank, changed into it and went to find somewhere to eat. WHile driving around i realized that there was nowhere I wanted to eat in the entire town (this is the part where I hate this area) I realized that if I wanted anything decent to eat, something that I hadn't had 100 times in the past year, I had to drive 30minutes minimum to get some decent food. That thought made me angry and still more disappointed. I began to blame mitchell a bit, he knew it was my birthday, why didn't he take it off so we could do something for real? Why didn't he switch hours with someone, why didn't he make plans? I realize I shouldn't expect someone to read my mind or come up with plans just because I would. SO I try to chill about, all I asked for was fo them to spend time with me and not argue… well the kids were already arguing and talking back, so I had to keep reminding them they were suppose to be nice to each other and not fight for my birthday present. We finally decided to go to this new place in town… and it sucked… and was expensive. So any thought of going out again later were ruined. I didn't eat what I got, because I asked for buffalo chicken wings and got chicken wings that were spicy but tasted nothuing likehot sauce. I ended up eating some of mIki's food and some of kessy's chips. More disappointment… No birthday dinner, no birthday desert of cake, no presents (If you consider the not fighting a present) the only thang that was happening was spending time together and we had only done that for about and hour. SO I said home… I just wanted to forget about the rest of my birthday and go home and have some quiet time. Since we met Mitchell in Goldsboro, we drove separate cars. I headed home with the kids. Got home sent the girls for their bath and wated for Mitchell to get home, I put the girls to bed and waited for mitchell to get home, I sent Miki ti bed and waited for Mitchell to get home, I surfed the internet and after and hour and a half of waiting I get a txt message from Mitchell asking what I want him to do to me…. At that point nothing. All I wanted was to spend time together and not only is he out, not at home, but I have no idea where he is and evidently he thinks he's still gonna get laid when he comes home. He says he's getting my birthday present…. obviously not since I asked for us to spend time together. He asks if I'm mad, in a very long winded way I said yes. He shows up with a video game…. 2 hours it took him to get a video game that is new, and sold in every single video game store in goldsboro… Why did it take two hours? The level of disappointment at that point of the night was so low… or would it be high? anyway I was so disappointed, all I wanted to do was be alone. I had thought, if he came home with a puppy, or a handmade something… I don't know what, or came back with soething that I could see taking 2 hours that I would be ok, but no, just a video game. Not a rare one, not a special one, just a video game, granted it is one I wanted, but it wasn't Like I was dying for it. He spent the next three hous trying to get my to tell him what was wrong and when I tried to tell him, he said that there had to be something else… but no, just the overwhelming disappointment I felt at having nothing go right on my birthday then having him disappear for 2 hours only to show up with a stupid video game. Am I being petty? Am I over reacting? I still don't know why it took him two hours, he won't tell me, just keeps saying he didn't think it would take that long. So I don't know, you tell me. Am I just feeling sorry for myself (I know I am a little) or is there a little something there?
SO I have bitched and vented and I hope this helps me feel better, but so far nothing. I'm really not trying to wallow in self-pity, but I can't help feeling cheated. I make such a big deal about everyone else's birthday and I can't even get quality time.
I get these feelings when I'm with someone that I "Love" it's happened with sean and mark and at some point I will feel utterly assured that I do not love them… Although I think I do. I think now that maybe, that was me saying I was miserable. I wanted to love them an be happy and be this imaginary person that I am not, but the truth was that I was miserable with both of them because they made me be someone I wasn't. I not happy with Mitchell, he drives me crazy and acts like a baby, but he doesn't try to change me. He's ok with me in my jeans and t shirts. Not sure what I'm trying to say, I just feel kinda out of touch right now. I wish I knew what was going on in my life when it was going on. I know I will look back on all of this that is going on now and see something completely different.
11/9/08
I spent all day yesterday cleaning and now no one wants to help me keep it that way. I kinda freaked out, but I'm just so damn tired working myself to the bone at work, at home and for school and never getting a good job, or something… I know i'm not suppose to do it for those reasons, but fuck, occasionally it would be nice if someone would notice. I spent three fucking hours cleaning just the bathroom and what do I hear… the other bathrooms still dirty… Yeah, I know, I spent all my time on the one everyone uses. I aske Mitch to take his shoes off before he came in last night cause I had just mopped and he whined about it. After dinner today no one wanted to help clean up the kitchen. o after I spent several hours cleaning that yesterday, I wa suppose to do it again, then go clean the otehr bathroom and my bedroom and just for good measure probably everyone elses bedrooms as well. I'm tired. I just want to go take pictures, but I don't even know what to take pictures of.
10/26/08
Didn't realize how lon it ad been since I updated. Not relly much to say I guess. Things stink around here. They were nice for about a week then they started going to back to what they were before. Nothing to tell just bitch bitch bitch. If this isn't your first time here you can see for yourself that the page has changed. Did that today. Hopin to make t slightly more user friendly. Don't knw if it worked or not.
10/08/08
Couldn't sleep last night. Had one of my manic nights where I'm convinced something really horrible is going to happen. I stayed awake all night to amek sure the sun came up an then still didn't feel right, was twitchy and jumpy, like a rabbit till the kids got on the bus. I spent the night with my back pressed against mitchell of the bed, trying to convince myself nothing was behind me, staringout the bedroom door. If I closed my eyes for a second I would hear something and imediately open them again. I wanted to get up and distract myself with tv or computer but because I have mitchell around I knew he would feel obligated to get up with me and I don't want my hysteria afecting anyone else. It's bad enough that my kids are gonna get some of i genetically, I don't want to mess with other people too. I think he may kno what I'm planning. he's being weird. either that or after all this time he's finally gotten through his skull to leave me alone a bit… I find it hard to believe. He doesn't hardly whine at all anymore or bug the living daylights out of me when I'm doing something… it's a nice change, but I can't help but think it's not because it took 18 months for the message to sink in and rather he's avoiding me. Why is it, and I think most people are this way, it's ok until the other person has the same idea. IE me leaving him is ok, but not him leaving me… I kno wwhat my probalem is, and this is a braod generalization, but men never leave unless they have someone else. SO if he leves it's cause he's cheating. I'm leaving for my sanity.
10/03/08
I realized lst night… actually I realized awhile ago but I tried to make it stick last night. It's not about me. It's about Mitchell. He's young, he has a life ahead of him that I am selfishly eating up. He could be married and starting a family. he could be with someone who really loves him, fully and completely. I shoud not be atsnding in his way, cause although he tells me now that he wants to be wth me, there will ome a time that he despises me for not letting him go. But I don't want to be the one to ter him down. I don't want to be th one to break his heart. I want to be inlove with him so badly. It would make life… Easier, more fun, simple. But I can't force myself to be. I know i I keep doing this, wanting to leave hi, but not leaving eventually I won't be able to. But I can't leave him now, not with everything he's going through. plus, wher would I go. I've just not gotten the money situation under control. All the bills are paid and we hve groceries. granted in two weeks I'll need gas and groceries again, and I won't have it, cause I used all the money paying the bills and getting groceries, but ehy, I'm back down to zero, and that's good. Anyway, as usual I don't know what to do about my relationship problems. If he was more supporting or at least able to discuss things with me it wouldn't be so bad, I just feel like he needs to be out there finding someone who can have his babies.
10/02/08
11:11, and yet again I don't know what to wish for. Is it better to be with someone that loves you and is generally a good person, but who you don't feel the same about or to be alone? Is it better to be with someone just to have someone to be with or ti be alone? Should I suck itup and end it for real or should I continue on with this farce in the hopes that things will somehow get immensely better. I pine for intellectual conversation and meaningful discussions. I that really so bad? I'm tired of listening to someone talk at me about stuff I really don't give a shit about, while I in turn, talk above his head about shit he doesn't care about. I"m tired of nodding my head and pretending like I don't know he's wrong when he is. I'm tired of listening to my own bullshit na dnot having anyone to call me on it. I'm tired of being in a bad mood constantly cause he irritates me. But I hve no good reason, usually why he irritates me. Yeah, when we fight he's wful, he'd never hit me, but he refuses to back away and thusly pushes me into such a rage that it can't be healthy for the kids to see or hear. And I try not to fight with him, but when he doesn't help, or constnatly picks fights and contradicts everything I say, I'm gonna snp sooner or later. I honestly do not know what to do about this. I 'm the only perso he has in this area and he's going to school, he was here for me when I went off to goddard. he paid for me to get there the first time around. He took care of the kids the second time around, he's done so much for us, I feel like I should stick it out with him, but I don't love him, I don't like him a lot of the time, I just want to have a decent conversation with someone that is actually about something, and hell, I don't even want to have sex with him nymore and that was the only thing he had going for him in the beginning… that and he makes me feel safe. I really don't know what to do. I though if I went into a relationship that wasn't based on love, that was based on mutual friendship and not some disappearing emotion, that it would work out better, but so far, that has not been the case. I hate to do it to my kids, I hate to do it to him, but I don't know what to do.
9/28/08
When I get old, ig I get varicose veins, I'm gonna get tattoos of road maps over tops of them.
9/24/08
Aggravation. Doctor is convinced I have something that I SOOOOO do not want to have. irritated by that, had to run all over the fucking place to get kessy to soccer then stupid pharmacy ignored me for 15 fucking minutes. I left but had to come back. I guess they realize we need them to badly to worry if we don't want their business anymore. Kessy has to have her medicine.
later
ARRGHHHHHH Its starts! Progress reports, and I thought they were doing so well. Miki's doing badly in two classes and is slacking off in band… which irritates me to no end considering I've been there as an art teacher Why dont' students take elective seriously? Miki has no excuse to not! Willow's doing badly in 2 classes and she has this very non0chalant attitude. Not rude but not caring. I swear they want to be grounded. Kessy's doing great though. She got a nomination to a young scholars school and we're gonna try for a scholarship, otherwise I don't know how she'd go. She's excited. It's not that I want the other two to be all about school, or anything, I ust don't understand the lack of motivation. I know I am unmotivated at times, but most of the time I am working on something. I would think my example and kessy's example would make them more eager… then I war with myself, cause grades really aren't what's important and Willow has a fierce abstract intellect. The child was creating her own philosphies on life and deconstructing theories without even knowing it. *sigh* I just don't feel like a fit mom most of the time, hell, all of the time. One day I'll look back on all this a laugh bitterly
9/20/08
I have forgotten what real love feels like. I read this and couldn't remember how t felt to be in love. It was only 2 years ago I was completely in love, how do you forget that amazing feeling? I guess it's replaced by pain when they leave you.
9/19/08
Damn I need money. Getting sick of being broke. I'm gonna be short another thousand dollars when I get my paycheck, which means I will have to take out another loan, and I'll still be 500 in the hole. SO Miranda has pretty uch decided to go back to Jared. Why does he get to be the lucky one? Why can't mine come back to me? Stop that… Ok nevermind. Anyway. Today was the last day of classes for three weeks. I have a work day on Monday but then almost three complete weeks of free time… free my ass. I gotta make like 100 dolls and puppets for the project, I got a photoshoot with tjae, just don't know when yet. the kid want me to pick them up from school and I know, I KNOW Mitchell will take up as much time as he can. I just want some piece and quiet for a little while. Oh yeah and I have to rewrite the entire story. I started reading it again today and realized how much it sucks.
9/16/08… I … Am … AN … Idiot
I want mark to contact me so badly that I have begun projecting again. I got a random comment on youtube and checked it out, I assumed it was him. It wasn't. I went around for a full day thinking I was going to get to talk to him,but I would pretent like it wasnt him so he'd keep talking to me… Fuck I'm pathetic.
9/10/08
My head is spinning! I feel so good about my packet response from Erica… I think she offered to have one of my essays and poems put in a show or something! I will have to reread it later when I'm not completely freaking out. THe huge amount of stress from the past couple of days topped off with this wonderous feeling of confidence and rigteousness almost is intoxicating. I'll be ok, something will knock me off of my pedastal soon…. maybe it's time for me to call mom. lOL
Oh Yes
Charles Bukowski
there are worse things than
being alone
but it often takes decades
to realize this
and most often
when you do
it's too late
and there's nothing worse
than
too late.
9/8/08
Fuck… I can't get him out of my head. I swear I think he does this shit so I don't forget about him… Like I could. But it's nice when he's a phantom and not so damn real. I came across a picture of him today and now I'm all discombobulated… Is that even a word? Grrrrr… I can't focus. I got a vid done, but it's kinda lame. *sigh* I won't go on about how I feel. It's pointless. I'll just keep doing non-creative things until I can get him out of my head.
9/6/08
Wow… So… Yeah Mark sent me a message out of the blue. Guess it must be time for me to be depressed again and start writing on the story. I know he doesn't care about me. I think he sends me nessages whenever he current girlfriend breaks up with him or he gets horny and doesn't have anyone else. He made it innocent enough, of course that's his MO, and he's good at it. Title- I know you don't want to here from me. Body- I wanted to know how to transfer images to canvas. Congrats. Yeah… He coulda looked up the info on his own. He's not an idiot, so why send me the message. And what's the congrats for? Cause I'm in grad school? About a year and a half late there boy-o…. *sigh* the sad part is I want to talk to him so bad. I want to msg him back and ask him what's going on in his life, is he still with lindsey, is he in college, Why does he want to know about transferring images, is he taking a painting class somewhere, if so where? Why congrats? How did he find out, was it lindsey, is he just being nice, does he care? I want to tell him how I still think about him, how I can't get him out of my mind ever, how I imagine my life with him and how it would be… I am so amazingly sad and pathetic. 2 years, 2 years he has been gone and I would still lay it all down from him. If I suddenly stop going to Goddard it will be because he wanted me to… THat's exactly why I can't talk to him. I would leave mitchell, run away with Mark and forget everything… and I realize how awful that is. Cause it wouldn't last even if he forgot how much he doesn't want me and let me back in his life… So pathetic-ness is over now. I think I got it all out. None of it matters, I'm not going to talk to him, I'm not going to see him, I'm not going to have anything to do with him, cause I have worked to hard to throw everything away… and fuck, the majority of my time at Goddard has been taylored to help me create art that will help me get over him. I would have to rewrite my entire study plan as a whole if he was in my life in anyway…. Granted that was under the assumption that I was never ever going to hear from him ever again. Some back history on Mark
8/27/08
On the issues I have with porn…
I have a similar bipolar thread running through my life in all areas. I want a boyfriend, I want to be free, I want a steady income, I want to be free, etc ,etc, I want to be free. At an age in which most peple know what they want to do have settled down and are buying homes I am still a feather floating in the breeze, some non entity with no goals or five year plan. Like the porn magazines. I assumed they were for women to use when I first saw one. WHy this made perfect sense to me, but the idea of women dating did't I'll never understand it's not like I didn't know about gay relationships, I grew up with many gay couples in my family, they were all men, but it never dawned on me that there could be two women who wer togther the same way. Of course this is coming from a person who kisses everyone with their eyes closed and that caused a great deal of alarm with many family members… even the gay cousins, there's no telling what would've happened if I had started asking questions about lesbianism.
8/25/08
I want a crush, a real crush. I want to feel something again instead of this old boring nothingness. I want to forget about him and feel something for someone else. THe last decent crush I had was Tim and that lasted a whole day. Unless you include KB, who is really more eye candy than anything else. I keep saying I have crushes, but I don't really. Guess I'm trying to force myself to feel something. Blah, that's all I feel Blah Blah Blah. I need emotional turmoil DAMMIT!
8/23/08
So yeah, we had the aargument that's been building last night and I eplained to him that he was being a complete douche bag. He yelled at me cause I didn't have the money to give him for gas… ???? WHAT? I can't give it to you if I don't have it. He argued for 3 hours, 3 HOURS!!! over the fact that I told him no, and I fucking told him, I had to say cause I DON"T have it!!!! I don't know when it fucking sunk in, but he finally got it though his thick skull and I thought things were ok, then I wake up to find that he has used up all my blank CDs and that he filled the hard drive with music.
8/22/08
It is so unfair that Mitchell gets to spend more time with my kids than I do. I hate that with a passion. I didn't even get to go meet the kids teachers yesterday cause I had to work. Sometimes i wish I had been normal, so I could have married a normal person and the kids would have me with them more cause I would have a husband who has a job and stuck around… but I guess that really isn't normal anymore. Even if I was just a little bit MORE normal, Icoulda kept my job in Lenoir county instead of fucking itup and then at least I'd be close instead of miles away. I'm gonna look for another job closer to home or one where we can all move and be together again. I guess I lost my job in lenoir so I could understand what it was that I had when I was there.
Later
Happy birthday, you know who you are. I put it up late on purpose. I wasn't going to put it up here at all. I was going to pretend like I didn't realize. But I posted your birthday wishes in private else where but couldn't stand not putting them here too. So I came back and edited it. I went to the beach, I stared out at the ocean, standing in the deep water and thought of you and all the happiness I had with you in that same ocean. I tried to work up the nerve to go back to Kure, but I still can't. If I were to die today, I would want my ashes scattered there. I want you to be happy, and have everything in the world and I hope that you get it. I hope that everything works out for you perfectly in your life. If I could give it to you myself I would. I would hand it to you on a silver platter. I had a dream the other day, I got a phone call telling me you had died and when the funeral was. I showed up wearing all white. When the others asked why, I told them you wanted it that way. I still remember all th little insignificant things you said. Maybe one day I'll forget… but I don't think i really want to.
8/21/08
So new diet now. Docs took me off the SBD. I'm on a diabetic diet at this point. Basically watching my calorie intake and carbs, but I am allowed to eat carbs. I think I'm doing the calorie counting thing wrong, cause according to my math with the excetpions of the veggies I"ll eat at dinner, my projected calorie intake for the day is only 656. That HAS to be wrong. If I was only eating that much I would be a stick.
I've realized something, and internal opinion I guess. I feel, that when someone meets me, even when they become involved in my life, like mark, brian, whoever, they leave and are not affected in anyway. People always want to think that they affect some change in your life, "I'm a better person for knowing…" this person changes my life", etc, etc. But I feel that I am a non entity. People meet me and it's like even if they know me I don't exist. How else would you explain everyones ease at walking away from me, or the way everyone who is involved with me and then goes away, goes right back to thei old life, exactly where they left off. I sacrifice days, weeks, months and even years of ly life and I walk away a completely diffferent person. They walk away from me completely unchanged in anyway. I am Bender on the Breakast club. if I disappeared no one would care. I'm not being mellodramatic, I'm not depressed or anything, not contemplating suicide, it;'s just that, with the exception of my kids, I hoesetly think if I were to disappear, no one would really notice. The times I did contemplate suicide, that was why I didn't do it. It wouldn't even effect anyone if I did it. THey wouldn't be sorry, they wouldn't wonder what went wrong, they would just go on with their life. That is my super power, the power to not exist.
I have realized why the superhero's and their non-super girlfriends never actually get together. It doesn't work. Mitchell is my own personal superhero, has been for over three years. Long before we started dating. And yeah he can save me and run to my rescue when I am stranded or trapped or kidnapped (The last only happened in a dream) but with the exception of sex, we have nothing in common and most of the time, I don't need rescuing, and quite personally I have always been my own superhero. I've saved myself far more than anyone else has saved me. So I don't really need him. I think it was the novelty. But I also know I won't leave him. My penance for all the destruction I wrought in my teens. Plus he's pretty good with the kids when he's not being a douchebag.
8/19/08
Great quotes from octopus pie
Impotence of being earnest?
Premature infatuation
8/15/08
gyrglefarthensnarzlefart…. I am soooooo irritated with this diet. I swear, I stopped myself from having a tootsie roll today, I've been doing so good not eating anything wrong and I look in the mirror and I still look pregnant. I'm so sik of this I can't eat what I want and I'm not loosing any weight. fuck. I just want to buy a big bucket of ice cream and not worry about anything anymore.
8/11/08
Grrr…. I had so many good ideas last night, poetry and story and stuff and I forgot them. I was too tired to even type them down, plus I couldn't get ont he internet for some weird reason.
http://wordle.net/gallery/wrdl/112032/What_I_write The word art for this journal
8/6/08
Have had 3 different requests from models for me to shoot them. It's weird. I hear nothing for so long, then all of a sudden, I have whole ton, and no time. So I'm trying to figure out how to have my life, my job, my school and still take pictures for models… IDK.
8/1/08
Gawd… So I went to the dance last night and had a GREAT time, it was wonderful, once E put her music on an we got rid of the "Jam Session" at least. I wish I had stayed longer, but I went looking for C, and ended up at the fire pit. I stay like 2 an a half minutes. It was boring as shit, but evidently I should have stayed. Every one from the dance came down later and evidently so did HE. KB, I can't believe I missed a chance to be around him… According to T he was completely smashed though, so probably best I didn't go, considering I SOOOOOOOo would've taken advantage of him. I have the tinyist crush on someone else now, but they are taken…. so none of that.
Why do I have this need to be…. what liked? loved? touched? Fucked? Gawd, you would think I was an ex-beauty queen with my need to lways have someone fawning over me. Maybe I'm just spoiled. I'll write more later. I gotta go through security.
I have to archive some of this page, it is WAY too long. Vanilla chai tea is not liking me a whole lot. blech. This has been the worse food week ever. And for all this, I don't think I have lost a single pound. I feel like I don't deserved to be loved/liked cause of my weight, I know it shouldn't matter, but it's how I feel. Maybe that's why I have such a problem with Mitchell, I think he should be with someone else, someone he deserves more. *sigh* IDK, maybe I'm just crazy, maybe I'm just pititful and pathetic. I meet someone and want to be friends, but I don't know how and I usually fuck it up by saying something insane, too loudly and in the wrong place. People are embarassed by me, I realize that. I feel the same way sometimes. I see other people do the same stupid shit that I do, but they seem to be able to just not care that they made a fool of themselves, but I guess really, they aren't making a fool of themselves, they are just being people and not caring that someone may or may not be looking. I need a good hypnotist to get me out of my own head. I feel foolish most of the time, I don't know why it's bothing me… maybe cause I care what some of them think, maybe because I think that they are somehow my superiors, really their not, because i want them to like me een though I really don't like most of them. I sound crazy to me, not even thinking about the other people I sound crazy to. I feel like I have a missing piece or pieces out there somewhere. IDK, I just really want to be those people who can be comfortable in any situation and talk to anyone about anything. Most of the time though, I just don't feel the need to speak to most people, I don't want to do the whole small talk thing and it feels so amazingly fake. Do I really want to try to change myself? Do I really want to be this other person, I thought I was happy with who I was… I am, but there is nothing wrong with learning how to socialize, it may come in handy one day.IDK, I'm gonna go write something that is not about me and my fucked up ness
7/29/08
I am unsure what I am doing this semester things seem really unclear. I know I want to do film and animation, but that's about it.
I'm getting really annoyed with Goddard and their food choices. Yesterday it was grilled cheese, grilled ham, pasta and things soaked in maple syrup… They are not offering ANY carb free foods. I seriously think thy are doing it on purpose. I'm hungry and I still have 45 minutes till lunch… is that enough time to do laundry?
7/28/09
Richard Thompson- The ghost of you walks
If that was our goodbye kiss
Seems a habit too good to miss
Once more for the memory
Hit the heights too well that time
To leave it there would be a crime
Seems more like beginning to me
At least we tried, took the biggest bite
Least we did it right
With all our soulds and all our might
Blue murder on the dance floor
French kisses in the rain
Blood wedding in the water
Till I see you again
Dutch courage is the game
And the ghost of you walks, the ghost of you walks
The ghost of you walks
The ghost of you walks right through my head
Sleepwalks at the foot of my bed
Sends old shivers over my skin
Love like that, won't let go
It's got some kind of a mind of its own
I can't break out and I can't break in
At least we lived, took it all at a rush
At least we loved too much
Felt too much, cared too much
Blue murder on the dance floor
French kisses in the rain
Blood wedding in the water
Till I see you again
Dutch courage is the game
And the ghost of you walks, the ghost of you walks
The ghost of you walks
G-2 Journal
7/17/08
I was looking at jobs in the colleges, to see if anyone was hiring an art professor. I'm not qualified yet, but it doesn't hurt to look. Anyway, I got a little spike of fesr and… ? Something else at the thought of teaching in a college. Is it cause of him? Is it because I don't think I could do it, do I think I'm not worthy? I really don't want to be stuck in Warsaw teaching rugrats for the rest of my life. I don't know why I can't just be happy with my life, but I never wanted to be here, so I guess I'm just not willing to settle.
Still haven't created a damn thing. I just keep being lazy and forlorn. Blah, yeah anyway.
7/16/08
So I decided, andd was very adament about the fact that I was going to start my diet yesterday. No white foods for two weeks, at all… I gothome and they had made me chocolate chip pancakes. Talk about a diet breaker. I'm still feeling rather uninspired. I was talking to Miranda and telling ehr how when I wrote my most recent story, it felt like I was channeling something, or I was possessed by the spirit of this girl. I haven't even tried to write since then, and I'm worried that I won't be able to finish it… well worried is a bit mellodramatic. It just concerns me that that was the only day I could do that. I feel like that alot though. Like on certain days I am better at certain things.
I go back to Goddard friday next week. I'm not looking forward to it, but at the same time I am. I am extremely self concious the entire time I am there. I feel like I'm some kind of poser who doesn't belong and I alienate myself from everyone. I can't figure out why I do it, just that I do for some stupid reason. So I want to go, but I'm not looking forward to my own personal weirdness.
7/15/08
I keep saying that I am going to do something… loose weight, get more exercise, finish a story, paint a picture, not be such a bitch… but then I never do it. I stay stuck inthe same damn rut all the time and I know I could do something if I just tried, but I put forth a tiny bit of effort anf I see no results and I give up. Am I just to lazy? Is it Mitchell's influence? have I lost the drive or am I just too depressed? I don't know what's going on with me and I never do. Every time I think I've got it figured out I don't. I keep thinking about him, and I know it's pointless. I keep living wither in the past or in my books. I just don't know how to live in the present.
'my artwork has been about the transference of properties or ideas from one medium to another'-Kent Sheeley
Kent wrote this about his work as a digital artist, he meant it in a completely different way than I read it… which is fine since I feel the same about my art but in my own definition. My art is about the transference of ideas from one medium to another. I don't consider an idea without visualizing it through several different mediums and media. It is a process that I go through which begins with the thought or inspiration. Any one idea will usually end with several finish products in different medium I think Kent's quote is exactly what I've been trying to say.
7/5/08
Do gypsies move because they can not find their place in the world?
7/4/08
Pagan Anarchist, it is what I am. I do not promote chaos, though I do believe in it. I promote the individuals ability to govern themselves and I believe in nature. More over, I believe in the individuals ability to govern themselves in the natural world. I believe that almost everything that is wrong wth our world is wrong because of the governments. I believe that the need to control others is the soul reason for all the fucked-up-ness in our world. I believe in the individuals ability to commune and be one with nature and the power that can be manipulated through the correct and respectful channels to help improve our lives in good ways that have nothing to do with money or control over others. I believe in the power of sex to do good in a persons life, to heal and to energize.
To clear things up a bit… I'm not saying there should not be civilazation, just that not governement. The same rules do not work for every person. Maybe a group of people could have the same rules for them, but not everyone needs to have the same rules. There whoudl be different rules for different people based on their specific needs and sense that is a difficult task for any one person to do for the entire world, it would be best i the people did it for themselves.
7/3/08
I will not admire people who have big houses, nice cars, well behaved children and good "american" jobs unless they have had to fight to get them. I will respect those who have suffered, those who have had to fight and scrape for the little that they have. I respect the single mom that works at a waffle house in the morning and a strip club at night just to make ends meet for a child that probably drives her crazy. I respect the child who has parents that don't care about them, but still manages to go to school and "make something" of himself. I respect the stoner that has anxiety issues and realizes this so he does what he needs to control so he can go to work to take care of his parents. I respect prostitutes and whores, porn stars and homeless people. I respect the people who do what they have to to live, to make sure their kids live, to make sure that they live to the next day. I do not respect a person just because they went to college. I respect the hard choice. I respect the person who gives up the high paying job in order to do what he thinks is right. I do not respect people who push their ideas and belief on others. I do not respect the conformist mentality that the media force feeds us through TV and the people who fall for it. I do nto respect people who can not think or themselves and allow their "faith" or leader to make all the choices for them. I do respect the people who take the time to wash out their recyclables, even if it is just for show, because for whatever reason, they are doing good. I just have more respect for those who do it when no one is looking. I respect the person who doesn't make a scene in order to get their way. I respect the person who makes a scene in order to right a wrong that was done to someone else. I respect the person who helps someone but doesn't have to. I respect the person who fights through their own battles to go to work in order to do a job that does good for someone else. I do not respect the old, just because they are old, I respect those who have had their hearts broken and still carry on.
I will not judge by the bounty of wealth or size of house but by the hardships they have survived
7/2/08
How do we, as people, who feel pain, suffer through the emotional hardships, continue on day after day, with the insufferable pain of a broken heart. How do those who have suffered the worse pains ever continue? Why do we bother? the broken heart never heals, no matter how much time, it never really goes away. If we could see the emotional pain of people, everyone would carry enormous mountains on their backs everywhere they went. No matter how many times they tried to throw it off, it would creep back up. Slowly slithering upt heri legs and ataching itself to them with a word, a image seen that was not suppose to be there, a piece of news that was over heard… a reminder. No matter how many times we think we are better we never really are and the mountins are still there, or the ghost of a mountain.
Been on break… So not a good excuse for not keeping up with my creative thoughts and things, but I needed a vacation… I'm back now, though I doubt it will be daily… it never really is.
6/6/08
Grrrrrrr I was almost happy with my painting. I decided I WANTED the chick to have dark made up eyes, all emo/goth and shit, and I fucked it up! Now I wish I was recording this one so I could look and see how I had it. So amd at myself right now. Frustration!
5/29/08
Crying men was a photography show back in 2005 by Sam Taylor-Wood. I am not one for celebrities. I will reference them i order to make a point and of course I would totally cheat on my boyfriend for Johnny Depp or Angelina Jolie … oh, and Hugh Laurie, (Yes, I am that shallow) but those are basically my only cases. I couldn't tell you who the "Hot, New" actors are. I couldn't point out the majority or people I see in movies by name, but I wouldn't crash too bad at celebrity trivial pursuit… I digress. This show really moved me. I know these men are professional actors, they are good at what they do, and I guess that's wh they made me want to cry. THe first that really got to me was Robert Downey Jr. When I hit Steve Buschemi that was pretty much it for me, I was gone. (Of course if you read the comments after, you'll just start laughing.)
Why is the image of these men, famous men that are in tons of movies, so moving when they are crying? Perhaps it is because of my generation. An entire generation raised by part time moms and full time TV. The first generation to watch movies on HBO regularly. A generation who looked to many of these men as friends, brothers and even fathers. Want a funny dad, go watch Robin Williams, maybe Dustin Hoffman. Gabriel Byrne became almost a diety for many of us. Not to mention Kris Kristopherson and Lawrence Fishburn, they are too tough to cry!! Not to mention seeing our brothers, Jude Law, John Leguizamo and Sean Penn crying… Sean Penn!!! Come on it's Spicoli! Spicoli doesn't cry? Then of course, the real kicker, is Paul Newman. I hate to call him grandpa, cause I have watched Butch Cassidy and the Sundance kid, and I totally understand what my mom was going on about, but still, he was more like grandfather to me.
The most moving photo to me though, was Robert Downey Jr. His position, the lighting, the fact that I can see the tears running down his face from that far away and the fact that, that, is much the way I cry. He's so open and vulnerable in the image. Most of the pictures the men are hiding, but he is letting the world know. I love that.
5/21/08
Photobucket has removed some of my pictures of the doll. I imagine they will remove all of them by the end of the day. I didn't realize their censorship went to dolls. I thought it was onlyreal people in photography, video or paintings that they banned but evidently beaded nipples are a little to risque for the site. If I didn't have hundreds of images already on that site I would switch.
5/19/08
Really have to stop this. I know what's gonna happen I just keep hoping it won't. I know I had several simple partial seizures, which aren't that big of a deal, but they always mean that something bigger is coming, i had a jacksonian or two and I think I may gave had an atypical absence… but without really delving into it and not having anyone there watching me, I'm not sure. I feel like I had a fucking grand maul, but I know that didn't happen. I've been surrounded by people the entire time. The way I feel I think I got hit by a truck in my sleep. I can't even type right. I keep misspelling, more than usual and my hands aren't working correctly. I can't stand up for long without falling over and I keep having really annoying spasms that make me knock shit over or just scare the daylights out of Mitchell. My work is going to be late. I hate turning things in late and I really hate using these dumbass seizures as an excuse. I just haven't had aby big ones in so long I thought I was safe. But I know, lack of sleep, not eating and dehydration will bring them on faster than anything. And what did I do? Not eat, not drink and stay up for … an excess of 48 hours with only a couple of cat napes in there on the plane and one 2 hour nap on kaitlans bed. I even took the only chance I had to sleep without disturbance, and used t to take pictures. Yeah, I'm hardcore artist.. No I'm just a dumbass.
5/16/08
Last night I ended up staying up late anyway… gonna regret that later. She now has nipples and blonde hair. I don't know why I chose blonde, but when I look a her now I see Boucher's "Blonde Odalisque" I may try to recreate that image with this doll. epic butt crack here we come.
So tired……
5/15/08
Day 4, I finished the body last night. The head is deformed don't know how I"m going to fix it. THe right hand only has four fingers (sewing accident) don't think I'm gonna do anything about that one. Just hide it somehow. I won't be able to work on it at all tonight unless I stay up all night and considering I'm going to be staying up all night friday and saturday night I don't think I should add another day to it. I don't know if it'll be done in time for Monday's deadline. I have sylvan and kessy's game tonight, that puts us gettinghome at 8 if we are lucky, then I have to pack and get ready for tomorrow. Maybe I'll luck out and have an hour to work on it. I stayed up late last night to make sure the body got finishde so I would have something to show. This packet is going to look extremely skimpy. But It has taken almost 20 hurs to make one doll. Sewing is NOT my forte.
5/14/08
*sigh* Going on day three of the epic doll. I really, REALLY wanted to be done with it before I left for OKC. I got the head put together, but there's a hole I have to fix. I got the basic body put together and the breasts on. I still have to do, arms hands, legs, feet, put it together, paint it, pose it, photograph it. I can't believe I have been working on two days already and I'm not any further, I am insane for trying to make a doll this difficult, then the fabris is wrong,. I shoulda used something else. Cause if I get even a little too close to the edge it starts fraying and being difficult. thats how the hole got in the head… SHIT! I have to put hair on it too. Dammit. I have to have it finished by Monday and I won't be able to work on it friday, saturday, and probably sunday. I imagine after the weekend I'm getting ready to have I will be dead Sunday when I get off the plane. I also have to pack at some point in time. Well My short break is over i gotta go get ready for first grade and kindergarten. Maybe I'll be able to get more of the doll done today than I've gotten done so far.
I just noticed and interesting thing. I barely ever use my micro-movements, which I probably need to use more, but when I went to add to the list today, I found that every day I have mde a micro-movement list, has been within the same three day span of every month (except one) Odd.
5/10/08
I can't sew, it's that plain and simple. I just can't. I don't like doing things I am not good at. I realize that if you practice at something you get better and all that, but I don't see myself getting any better at this. I spent my financial aid on a nice sewing machine, thinking it would help me want to sew, but no. I can't get the doll thing. I want to make them, I have the ideas in my head, I have the vision but I just can't seem to get the damn things made. Looks like the shitty week is still not over, plus I got the guilt trip from my mother today on one of the rare occasions that she actually talks to me about not coming down to her house for mothers day tomorrow. I just spent $500 on a plane ticket to OKC and she wants me to come down. I want a break, but I can't take a break. I need time to chill, but I don't have any. I want to go out and do something fun with my kids, but it feels like I have to work all the time. I spent the other night at the base ball game filling out my IGP for work. Right now, my sewing machine is messed up cause I can't sew right and something got eaten by the little part at the bottom. I don't know what I'm doing. I feel like I don't know what I'm doing with any of this. I'm winging it all, I really am. I have no idea what my art practice is, what my style is or what I'm even trying to accomplish. I can paint a picture, but I couldn't tell you anything technical like what the correct brush to use is or how to mix paints, i just do it. I couldn't tell you a damn thing about photography, I don't know what the correct numbers are for different things. I don't know what lighting works and what doesn't. I have no idea why I chose dolls, I just saw it in my head and it made sense and now I can't do it. I'm not an artist, I'm a fake. I'm just a loser who can't figure out what she wants to do with her life and happened to fall into and art program by accident. I am completely lost, I don't know whaere I'm going, I don't remember where I've been and I have no idea what's going on at the moment.
5/9/08
This has been the worse week. My classes have been awful, my boyfriend has been awful, two of my kids have been awful, I have gotten almost no work done except the research on Gaia. I've spent more hours this week waiting for something than I have doing something. 6 hours in the car, 5 hours in the doctors office, 5 hours in the court room… Gah!! The students have been more retarded than ever, and wild, and nuts and I see no reason. And I am SO worried that I won't be able to make it to Joe's graduation. I'm exhaisted mentally and physically, but every day I go home I have so much to do. I just want to rest.
5/8/08
I hate everything right now. I am so tired, I just want to cry. Mitchell has been terrible and when I got upset he only made things worse. I'm at the point of just wanting to be single again so I don't have to liten to anymore of his excuses. Miki and Willow brought home failing or close to failing grades in math today. I have had the worse three days, just one horrible thing after another. To top it off I am sippose to fly to Oklahoma next weekend, and I haven't bought my tickets and I don't have any money. I don't want to disappoint Joseph, but I have no idea how I am going to make it down to his graduation. Kessy is the only person in the house who is sane. She does what she's suppose to do, she doesn't let things get to her and she's happy. it's a rare commodity in this house. I really just hate everything right now.
5/4/08
I realized today, I am only happy with my art if it looks like someone elses.
4/27/08 HDR
Tried my hand at an HDR again today without much luck. I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong. Maybe my tripod isn't stable enough or my subjects are not colorful enough. I just can't figure out what I'm doin wrong. Keep trying, just keep trying.
4/25/08 Ex-pix
Had the best idea for a website. A place where you go to "burn" the pictures of your exes. Some kind of online trachcan that instantly deletes anything put into it, but that looks like fire. Should be able to use it by phone as well. An online ritual cleansing through digital fire. I know I could figure out how to do it if I just had enough brain power left between everything else I'm stressed about to focus.
4/24/08
Ok this is what I'm talking about (three entries below)
448643-4-first-tree.jpg
She has this nice little story to go along with it about had she had to create and this was the first thee she ever painted and how she did it with only spray paint and two pastels, black and brown. If I wanted to create something I would sit there and stare off into space trying to figure out what to make and even when I made I would not be happy about it. Here is her Link
4/23/08 Cattle
Reaction to texas polygimist sect
Women are nothing but cattle to so many men. something used to make babies, over and over till they are of no use anymore and need to be shot. I know you're saying not all, but too many men. Too many men that are not even in the group think the same way. I'm sure there are millions of men who heard how they wer living on the ranch and though… Sweet, that would be awesome. As many wives as I could have, making as many babies as they could and I could have sex with any of them, no matter their age. I don't want to be a man hater, I know there are women out there who are just as bad, but there doesn't seem to be as many women. I want to create something, but I don't know whay, cows, texas, women being used and abused in such a social fashion. No one saying anything for years…. Maybe we don't know the whole story. If that is all you know, does it make it wrong cause it;s not like the rest of the world? We wouldn't want that to happen to us or our children, but if they think differently, the women that is, is it really our place to tell them they are wrong? Sorry devils advocate.
4/22/08 every idea
No matter what my idea, five other people have already had it. maybe the intention is not the same, maybe they are doing it for kicks where as I am making a statement, but I swear I can not come up with an idea without running across someone else who already had it and did it and it's probably better than mine. here is someone who used the idea of an iconic anime image and combined it with ingres Odalisque and Here is a generic anime character as an odalisque. In this one the character Dorothy Wainwright from the Big-O is seen, again, as ingres Odalisque. The difference; I m going to attempt to create a more orientalist styles painting with on the face changes where as these people seem to have taken the odalisque and put in in anime. I want to put the Anime in Odalisque… Weird, de ja vu. Oh yeah, and I'm not using Ingres this time.
4/21/08 Not art
I'm sorry, I just have a really hard time saying that the things I do are art when I look around and see true art. See people with true passion who are working their asses off to become the best and here I am dragging up the rear, trying to throw shit together between baseball games, helping with homework and teaching little kids to make paper flowers. I know we are not suppose to be "down on ourselves" or self-deprecate, or whatever, but I really have a hard time believing that my stuff is art. Why? Why is it art? cause I made it? cause it was created with artistic effort? Yeah I sell that shit to my kids to make them feel better about their art. I don't know if I'll ever be able to admit, truly that anything I do is art cause I just don't feel it.
4/21/08 Purist
I'm a purist in many respects. I believe that clay should be clay and not this, make it easier on us, model magic crap. I use it, I admit, I'm a hippocrit, but I don't like it. I wonder why elementary teachers are looked down upon but this is part of the reason. Because they are too lazy to clean up the mess, because they want to make it easier on the kids, because parents might complain, we use model magic. I'm using real clay with my older kids. They've never even seen real clay before. Most of them have been in an art class every year since kindergarden, but they have never seen real clay. Model magic makes no mess, it is easily modable, you don't have to wait for it to dry other than a coupls of hours, you don't have to fire, bake or anything else it. You just make something andyour done. You can paint it if you like. We are not helping our kids by using things like this. Part of the majic of real clay is waiting for it to dry into greenware, then firing it, glazing it, firing it again and taking home something that could be useful if the student bothered to pay attention to the lesson on form and function. But teachers don't do that. They give them the easy stuff that if they come back later that day they can take home. It looks the exact same, no difference. It's slightly harder, but you can't get it wet. Where is the magic in that? It's easy, it's clean, it makes life easier,. but it takes away something that we don't even realize we are missing. The magic. Kids have no attention span and rather than try to help, we only make it worse with these kid of things. Things need to go back to the more difficult way, then maybe some of these kids would calm down and be able to focus. WHo wants to bother focusing when everything is handed to you easy as pie.
4/20/08 The new idea… I'm gonna try to lay it out so that maybe it'll make more sense. or I'll get it done. I'm gonna do a Japanese/odalisque work. First I'm going to get an image for the face. I'm pretty sure I am going to use Sailor Moon, she is iconic and bound to make a more profound statement. I could use a generic anime character for this, but I think I want a recognizable image. Next I'm gonna pair the face with an odalisque painting, not sure which yet, not Ingres, I' used that one for the last project, maybe a Matisse. I will video tape the process again, the same way I did earlier. I will first combine the two images in photoshop then print it of. I will then paint the image onto three canvases connected as one. There will be two finished products again, out of this. The painting and the video.
4/20/08… maybe that's what's wrong. It's national pot smoking day. I am in a funk, a seriously deep one this time. I can't focus for the life of me, I cant even remember what it is I'm suppose to be doing. I don't know how to explain it, but everything feels wrong and it's effecting my work, my life and my health. I have been sick for two weeks straight now. I missed one day of work because of it and I come homw from work every day unable to do anything mch. I manage to get dinner made and then I usually pass out. I've been having nightmares, I'm sure I've been keeping Mitchell awake, I've been mean to him, and probably the kids too. I'm completely lost and I don't know why.
4/13/08
I still feel trapped in this bible belt
Like I am forbidden to say fuck
I'm not even Christian
But saying that makes my spine tap
Nudity is something to be ashamed of
But I know it's not
Science is real
But I was raised on myth
I am still
After all this time
Unable to completely
Break free
Of this cage
I want to be able to create without limitations. I know, sometimes limitations are good, but I feel like I am holding back, but I can't seem to let go. Like there is a flood gate waiting to be opened. Of course I'm also back in the place of "what the fuck am I doing and why" I have lost what little connection I had. I swear I think every month when I loose blood I loose brain power as well.
4/8/08 again
OMG… I just found this
"Odalisque is a name with historical implication that reflects ancient secrets for renewal, relaxation and beauty." at this spa website.
large-variety-set.jpg
I don't know about you, but slave girls being given to sultans who have to serve his many wives unless he happens to think I'm attractive, does not sound like something I want to make me more beautiful.
mud1.jpg
Grrrrrr
4/8/08
I am so tired of thinking I've found something that has to do with Odalisques that in fact have nothing to do with them. it is so frutrating. I'm realy getting to a point in which I feel like I should do a book on the history of the Odalisque just so there will be one out there. AARRGGGHHHH!!!!! I just want a collective with a history and some explanation. Like why the hell did Odalisque go from slave girl to prostitute and when???
4/3/08
In the entry below I explain the HDR process. It is not as easy as all that. I failed spectacularly at my first trials. http://jjlove.wikidot.com/story-images (Follow the link to see my example) I only got one of my images to even work, the other did not have enough overall dynamics. So out of 100 photographs which took two days of hiking up sand dunes and through marshes, I only got one, badly done, HDR. I moved on one of the photographs, so the image has an unreal double image to it, and I did not do enough different exposures. I did however get several good photographs that are not HDR. http://jjlove.wikidot.com/story-images (follow the link and click on the OBX show block to see them)
4/1/08
I took several pictures at OBX this past week. One of my reasons was to try to create an HDR image
HDR.jpg
In the one above (not done by me) you can clearly see the difference between a normal photograph and an HDR. In order to create and HDR you must bracket your image, (take three pictures with three different exposures, light normal an dark) then put the photographs into photoshop or some other software that can do tone mapping.
3/30/08
Obsession and identity are the threads that connect. Their obsessions, my obsessions, I identify with them, I want an identity… something.
3/25/08
I look around me and I see everyone else's work and mine seems so pointless. WHy do I bother making anything when there are so many other people who make things somuch better that i do. WHy do I bother trying to create when my ideas are already taken. Why do I want to create art when there are so many others better than me. Maybe that isn't the point of art but thats where I am right now.
Since reading the response from my adviser, I question the things I write in here, for instance I came across a horrible site that was a womans perfect day and a mans perfect day and they both grossly generalized and stereotypes the genders into these god awful caricatures of humans and schedules out there day wher the man was getting a blow job at every turn or with some topless woman… and he was drunk from sun up till sundown and the woman's wasn't much better, just opposite…. and I thought, I would write my own perfect day.. then I thought how is that artistic? Is that a waste of my time? Should I even bother doing something like that… This is exactly where I was last semester, and it took all semester for me to realize that I could make art without having to worry about shit like that, but since the response… here am I in way too familiar waters again
3/24/08 Packet 1
And to think I was so proud of myself again. I don't quite understand why fate will not allow me to be proud of myself for long. Maybe I get a big head, maybe I brag… I don't think so, but I'm never sure. I was … disappointed, to put it mildly, with the response from my advisor. It feels so often that I am in over my head, and don't actually know what I am doing and to have the proud moment… I was so proud of the work I had done, to be told, though consistent and abundant, not explained well enough…. I'm just not sure what to think or to say. I dont understand what "unpacking" means, I don't understand what I'm suppose to "explain" I've looked at Aprils packet and it's much like mine. reflections and thoughts on the day to day stuff, some annotations on works… Sometimes I swear I speak greek and just don't know it. Maybe I don't use enough words. Maybe I don't use the right words. I use to fill my pages with lines and lines of bullshit, but I felt fake and the work seemed like fluff, but maybe that is what I'm suppose to do. WHy do I do the things I do? I feel safe with a camera in my hands, and I feel like a liar if I don't take pictures regularly. I paint to bring an emotion to my work that I feel I can only get though in physical movement. I work on the computer, cause it eases my brain, it feels right and calms me down, though it also usually puts me in a zone that I have a hard time coming out of… though the painting zone is far worse. I read and I study cause I love to learn new things, though thanks to the brain issues almost nothing is retained…that's why this lovely little thing is here. Wht is the connection between the odalisque and the japanese pop art and the dolls and the writing? They're all done by me. They're all being interpreted through me. I see a connection there but it is not clear enough to articulate yet… So why try? it will become clearer, it always does, but … but… but… but It's not there yet. I'm not there yet. I don't know where I am.
I laid in the bath tub this morning. Mitchell was behind me, the water was barely even touching me, the tub is so small and he is so big and only my butt and feet were in the water. I was cold, and the bathroom was filthy. I stared at the weird blue and black dappled wallpaper and nothing felt real, it never feels real. I'm living my life for no reason. I have no goals, not really. My goals were met years ago. I'll never become a professor, hell I can't even focus enough to finish a paper or artwork. I am living someone elses life for them while I wait for mine to resume. Intermission will be over in two minutes, please return to to correct seat… body…. life. When the lights flicker it means it's time to go back. I wait patiently for the lights to flicker, I drive the kids to baseball and look for flickering lights, I kiss my boyfriend and look for flickering lights, I go to my job and wait for flickering lights, I do my grad school work and look for flickering lights, but they never dim, they never flicker, I'm stuck in this ungodly hell of intermission waiting for the life I lost somwhere to resume. Jump back on the track, find the right track… I though Goddard was it, but I still feel lifeless and without a purpose. I thought Goddard would be the savior, but it isnt. I can't find the right door, the right track, the right life. I am in limbo, forever pushing my rock up the mountain…. WOW i really mixed the metaphors there.
I don't know how to explain any of this. I don't know what I suddenly wanted to make dolls. I don't know why I like the idea of the odalisque, I don't know why I like Japanese pop culture. I don't know why I wrote that story.. I've written so many, it's just another in a long line about him…. Two years and he's still here with me, in my head, every single fucking day. He once told me he was sorry he ruined my life, and I tolf him he didn't…. But now I don't know. I think he did, cause since he left, I haven't been the same. I want to be me again, but I can't find me, or even recognize me. I don't know who I am. I just know him. I just know what I was with him, I was complete and now I am in intermission waiting for the show to start.
3/17/08 Yet another realization
I create from pain and misery… it is why I refuse to let go of one pain until I have a new one. I will have to say I reated much better from the pain of Flock than from the pain of Mark. I created prety well with my happiness from Mark though, I think that was a first. Mitchell, though wonderful is not a source of inspiration. He may be if he leaves me, but I don't I want to find out. SOmeone told me I was the walkin wounded once and I needed to learn to create from a place of contentment rather than despair, but does it really matter? I don't know. My mother now knows completely about my new job, Mitchell nad that Mitchells parents took care of the kids while I was in residency. After she found out she told me all about child sex slaves in Cambodia and how 80% of their business is American males who are suppose to be "Good Men." My mother is a man hater to the core. She should have been a lesbian, but just can't wrap her mind around the sex part of it. Her story was here way of putting doubts ibn my head about Mitchell and his dad. She is convinced that every man in my life is only around me in oder to molest my children. That very attitude was the snowflake that started the avalanche that ended in me loosing everything but my kids. I'm sure there is some great art fodder there, but I'm ready to analyze it yet.
3/12/08 Completely random with no real significance…
Menses kill me every month, only one or two days, but last night, yesterday in general was bad. I came home from work, Miki had a dr's appt, put him on new meds. Then dinner then girl scouts and Mitchell wanted to look at a new house fo rent, great house, horrible location. Pick up girls from girl scouts, went home and literally passed out. I was in and out of consciousness all night till Mitchell finally came to bed at midnight. Then I slpet soudly till 5 when he usually wakes up. But he's working night today so his alarm didn't go off, but for the first time in awhile I woke up with my alarm, no snooze for me today. I was still late for work cause I drove by the house to see how close it is. 23 miles to work, that only saves me 10 miles until the flooding stops and the roads are fixed then it will probably be 19 miles. Made a wrong turn after that and went about 3 miles out of my way. 2 more days till break. I think I need one.
3/11/08
Some of my crazy talk…
I feel the realities thinning sometimes. I have crossed over I know, I have seen other realities as vividly as I see these keys before me. It's like i"m my own rip in the space time continuem. Like in the poltergeist episode of Family Guy where megs ass is the portal to the other side. I feel the thinning realities, I haven't seen them the way I use to, when I was crazier. Sane sucks sometimes, but it is nice to not be constantly endangering my family with crazy ass choices based on the invisible thread that I saw leading me through life… though I do miss seeing that sparkly theard that seemes to explain everything to me. WHy did I forget when I got better? But every now and again, I feel it again like I did last night. I only feel it when I'm alone. When I was walking last night I had the distince feeling that if I sidestepped I could go to the other world, just that easy. It was right there waiting for me. But I always wonder what would happen to my kids here? And then I wonder, all those other people who have disappeared already with no trace, did they side step? Did they see that little sparkly thread too?
3/10/08
Grrr…. I'm having a problem getting to the crux of what it is I'm trying to say with my studies on the odalisque. I read this article by Ivan Davidson Kalmar called The Houkah in the Harem: On Smoking and Orientalist Art and he discusses the juxtaposition of the fictional view westerners had of the orient in terms of their smoking devices…. This is what I'm after, but I can't quite get it together. Yet again I am in this strange position of feeling like What I want to say is only inches away from me, but I can't grasp it… and as usual I"m convinced that whatever it is it's brilliant. It's like there is this door in my head and I have my hand on the knob, but something keeps distracting me every time I go to open it until I forget about it. This is how all my thoughts feel lately. I just inches away from what it is I want to say, create, whatever but I can't ever get the damn door open.
I need something that will help me … I don't know focus? Is that my problem? It doesn't feel like it. it feels like I need something to help me remember. I need something to help me get the door open thats holding back everything. I kept blaming it on my emotional situation, especially with Mark, but I think I'm over that, but yet, I still can't think straight. Maybe I need to be alone, Maybe I need to get more exercise, maybe I need to give up, maybe I've lost it. I use to write such good papers…. AAARRRGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!
3 more days until intercession!!
3/4/08
I'm journalling to say I don't feel like journalling. I don't feel like doing anything. DOn't know what's wrong maybe later
2/26/08
Read more of Written on the body beginning to feel not quite so alone in the way I look at the world and feel things. This books read like I talk, and how I write occasionally, wen I'm feeling myself, which I haven't felt in awhile… w/e but the book is really great so far, descriptive and thought provoking and ripe with quotes and meaningful passages. I think that Bri would totally et this chicks way of writing as well, I might have to pass along the name. Had to spend time painting a mailbox because it had a tiny amount of rust on it, and of course because I can't do anything right, I spray painted it and now have to go buy new numbers and I'm sure more paint when the landlord sees the awful paint job. Still having problems focusing, keep thinking about Mark… don't know why. Feel like the narrator in the book when she was involved with Louis, I really feel sorry for Mitchell sometimes. *sigh* not getting into this right now. Gotta get ready to go to work tomorrow in case I sleep late again.
2/25/08
I didn't go to work today. Mitchell was convinced that he was dying of some horrible disease and begged me to stay home in case he had to be rushed to surgery. It turned out to be nothing. We cleaned the house. Things seems out of sync again. Don't really know why. I sewed a doll last night, I started reading Written on the body by Jeanette Winterson and American Odalisque Poems by Jane Miller. The Winterson book is such a parallel to my relationship with Mark… I have a feeling this semester will end up being another in which I struggle through my latent emotions over him. I've begun my research on odalisques and doll making.
Trying out working while everyone is around rather than trying to hide from them. I made a doll last night, Willow wanted it, she made some suggestions on how it could look. My only problem is that I got a little impatient toward the end. It was just a test doll. I will post it soon. Having a hard time concentrating tonight, all day really. I'm absolutely exhausted and I don't know why.
2/20/08
I drink hot tea rather than coffee, evidently it means that I am a yankee… HUH??
Born and raised in the south one of the things that tends to be ingrained in you is a fierce pride for our heritage… I really don't know why, but "American by birth, southern by the grace of God" is a statement that I have heard since I was in utero. I repspect the people who have that truly fierce pride, mine is only slightly aggressive, but when I'm accused of being a yankee because of my drink choice I have to stop a minute to not "holler" at that person for being an idiot.
Because I prefer something different than you does NOT mean that I'm suddenly an outsider… just to clear things up, along with the pride comes a certain amount of abbhoration for anything NOT southern, therefore being called a yankee is a HUGE insult around here, duel worthy in some towns. Now I've never been one to get obstinate about my "cultural heritage" but being accused of being a yankee cause I drink hot tea just seems a little… simple, accuse me cause I don't "talk like yaw" (for my northern friends, down here, I'm accused of not sounding southern at all) or cause I don't sport the rebel flag on every goddamn thing I own, or possibly cause I can not tell you who the rebel generals were in the civil war, but don't slight me over my drink choices, coffee tastes nasty to me, and dammit, I like tea… Don't all southerners?
2/15/08
If you are ever stuck in JFK, don't buy the North fork long island chips, they are nasty!! And be extra nice to the women who work in the gift shop. I bought a bunch of shit and added wrong, and I swear I think she gave me a short for free, cause even though the total came to 102, I only gave her 97 while I looked for more and she gave me chnage back and shooed me on. People in NY can be nice… I knew it… but don't worry I'm going all idealistic or anything. At this point 2:41 pm, I have a little over and hour till my flight leaves and a little les than an hour before I board. I have my laptop (Obviously), my chocolate and my canteen of water. I bought the kids some gifts, Mitchell a sweatshirt, which I have around my waist, maple syrup and other random things. I completely just lost my train of thought. It's all good though. Goddard residency is over. It was not significantly better or worse. I still didn't really make a connection with anyone. The usual people and situations arose and I didn't even go to the cabaret this time. Stayed in with April who was sick. Didn't mind in the slightest though.
I have plenty of ideas for the upcoming semester, I'm just not sure how I'm going to get it done. Guess I'll figure it out as I go along. ready to go home and chill for a week before I have to seriously start working.
Thoughts in an airport
I watch the people go buy
tall
thin
short
fat
pretty
…
but the visual doesn't matter
can they chop wood?
fix a car?
paint a picture?
What can they do underneath their
expensive suits
shaggy beards
thick glasses
designer bags
Does their heart beat
for art
for love
for experience
In an airport everyone becomes
just
another
pretty
face
You realize just how many people
are in this world
when you
sit
for hours
and hours
and hours
watching
as they get on the planes
get off the planes
get on the planes
get off the plane
buy a snack
buy a trinket
buy a shirt
get on the plane
get off the plane
They become the same
Until
one
sits down in front of you
suddenly he's a real person
Awkward at being alone
being watched by some girl with a computer
who's wondering
what he can do
under the ripped jeans
vintage T
and shaggy hair
And then he's gone
2/13/08
Add aspects of doll making, sculpture, puppeteering to use as part of fairy tale visual.
use final cut pro layers to make animation sequences look the way I want them to.
Use "key" to extract back ground colors.
Make tests of dolls and puppets, and test video and test animation.
Could possibly make odalisque doll.
Must look up more on doll making
Final video project looking more like, projecting on screen of animation with live actors in front maybe…. Full installation with dolls, paintings and stuff displayed.
2/12/08
Ride the fucking wave…
212561325_m.gif
Surfing, what I love about surfing is the isolation. The complete unconnectdness, the looking in at humanity from the water like I'm not a part of it. Taking the wave means rejioning that disaster, even if only for a moment. If it's a metaphor for my art then I don't know what I'm saying. I don't know what I'm doing, I really don't. I just let the water move me and when I feel it I paddle and pop and there I am riding a wave. I don't think about it, I don't think about this, I really don't think about anything anymore unless it relates to the fact that my kids don't have heat, my baby can't get her medicine, the window is broken, miki has bad grades. I'm not feeling sorry for myself, this is my life. I don't want special consideration, I just don't know how to think about and explain what I do. I just do it. Maybe if I look back through everything I will see where I wrote something, but most of the time I just float till I feel it.
2/11/08 later
It's funny how things change and you forget. A year and a half ago I couldn't go one day without reading this poem. It got me through one of the toughest times ever. I had forgotten it. Shame on me.
[IF]
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too,
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream, and not make dreams your master,
If you can think, and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings, nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much,
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And, which is more, you'll be a Man, my son!
-Rudyard Kipling
2/11/08
Grrr…. Woke up yesterday manic and angry, stayed in the room all day for the sake of all the PC people around me. Still int he mode evidently, said a couple of mean things, filters not on when I"m like this. Seriously wanted to push cake in someones face yesterday. Advisors perrty cool, reminds me of john before he became a super fuck-face. Meeting with him tonight @ 9. Took some photographs of the area, they're ok, but a little too dark, I didn't edit them any at all. Hate this feeling of disjointed, disconnectedness that I seem to have here. Maybe I need to go out in the woods and commune or something. April says I'm projecting and making things seem awful so that I can hate it here the way I hate it everywhere. I think I'm just introverted and don't like people. Don't hate everyone here, Jason is cool, though we've barey tlked this time, safa and kendra and rebecca. Seems like a couple of the people that I talked to last semester ignore me now. w/e, I'm sure it's like april said and it's just my self-destructive behavior ruining my own life again. I'm not quitting, not leaving, but I doubt I'm ever really going to "socially" enjoy this place. I don't feel the community everyone around here is always yacking about. I see cliques and groups and … whatever, Not important.
Idea, set up a camera, video tape people being hit with a snowball, get their expressions. Next semester, set up installation in lightless dark room. Have group enter room in dark. Four projectors set up to project on 4 walls projectors come up to show the expressions (in slo-mo) of the people being hit with snow balls. Discussion on the way the images madethem feel if they were or were not them.
Snow tunnel in which people crawl through to a larger space and sit and have a conversation in an unexpected area…. What would the conversation be about? Figi? Football? Fig-newtons? (Ok enough alliteration)
Using a high powered water gun write a message in the snow and see if anyone sees it.
Write messages on paper airplanes and sail them out Ju-Pong's office window ( you're beautiful, Think happy thoughts, etc, etc)
Post up completely random drawings all over campus that have no rhyme or reason and walk up on stage during the cabaret and just say "I did it"
2/9/08
Working on getting this wiki page in better working order. Will continue later, animation seminar now
G-1 Journals
Journal P-1
[[collapsible]]
Monday 8/13/07
I have been reading library books that came in and jotting down notes and ideas. My first step in creating my artists life (spaw) and reclaiming my practice (ssp) was to set a designated time for myself to work uninterrupted. For everyone’s benefit, I chose 4-6pm, since every member of the house is in school in some way. A lot of my journaling will have to do with the members of my house in some way or another, so I will introduce them here. My immediate family are my children and are the only real family I have (as in blood related):
Miki - My son and the oldest child, very funny and smart. He has ADHD and is a constant reminder of why I shouldn’t drink caffeine (I write with a cup of tea by my hand.) As we all do in this family, he has abandonment issues. He is easy to cry and very anxious, but is learning to control it. I am not the best person for this job as I tend to lapse into my parents system of “suck it up.” I’m trying to break free of my heritage and become a better mother (as well as artist). Miki is 12.
WIllow - My middle child, with many of the middle child issues but with a mind like a trap and interesting thoughts as well as thought processes. At five she came to me and told me she wanted to be an architect. I’m not sure where she learned what one was… maybe sesame street. She is morbid and macabre… but it’s natural in some strange way. She doesn’t try to be “gothic” she is just… willow. Her abandonment issues have surfaced as a need for a father figure, turning every male in our life into a potential to fill this role. She is the only one of the three children to have an actual object that could be called a security blanket, and it just happens to be a blanket that is little more than a few strings and bits at this point . She is 8.
Kessy - The baby, and very proud of it. She lets everyone know and at least once every 3 months checks to make sure she is going to stay the baby. She has no fear, at 2 she crawled out of an open window that was two stories from the ground. When I pulled her in, and freaked out making sure she was ok, she wanted to do it again. She has already broken three bones, both collarbones and her femur. When she broke her femur, she was put in a spikier cast (which is a full body cast to the chest that completely immobilize the legs.) [*x-ray]Within three weeks of being put under to have the cast put on her, she had figured out how to crawl and roll over in the spikier cast. She has been in the hospital more times than I have, mostly for ear related problems. She is 6.
My other family are actually friends, except for my nephew, who lives in Oklahoma and I don’t get to see very often. Only two of them live with me… right now.
Mitchell - Boyfriend and house mate… and roommate as well. Having known me for over two years (sadly) makes him one of my oldest friends. We’ve only been dating for a few months, but circumstances being what they are, he moved in very quickly. He is trying to get into trade school to be a mechanic. Constant issues cause things to not get done. He is a self-proclaimed and proud of it redneck… but doesn’t hold to the redneck stereotypes of racism and abuse. He is Willows current father figure, kessy’s current punching bag and Miki’s current annoyance… since they really don’t have anything in common but some music. Mitchell is a good deal younger than me, which is only important because it is the reason my parents are not in my life anymore. He is 20.
Woody - Comic relief, life of the party, around here at least, and fellow abandoned child. Woody is in his last year of high school and lives with me because his parents kicked him out and refuse to let him come back. He has been taking care of himself since he was 16. We share a love of classic rock, photography, and skateboarding. Woody is the surrogate big brother for my kids and fills the roll well. He is 18.
These are the people living in my house with me. When I returned from my meeting earlier today, I brought everyone into the living room for a house meeting. I explained to everyone that I needed quiet undisturbed time, I told everyone when it would be… everyone said they understood. I have been disturbed 6 times (it is 4:45) starting at 4:03 with Mitchell (who came back two more times) and also willow who came in three times.
Of course that’s not the extent of my family. For my own cohesiveness I will introduce the rest now… these do not live with me (at the moment).
Joe/Joseph - My nephew, 18, who’s mother was rather adamant about the fact that she did not like me, my lifestyle, my personal fashion sense, my music, and my friends. With the exception of being male, Joe has become an almost exact replica of my younger self, right down to the green hair. I would like to thank Karma for that victory.
Miranda - My best friend, she (like Mitchell) has stuck with me through my hardest times and doesn’t look down on me for decisions that were probably less than stellar. Which is even more amazing when you consider that Mitchell is her ex-boyfriend. She plans on moving in next year when Woody moves out.
Brian - My other best friend. We tried dating and it just didn’t work out. He likes his women older. His girlfriend is 55, he’s 33. He comes over every tuesday and we talk for hours about anything and everything. He was kind of a Genius, one of the hackers back in ‘88 who broke into a business’ account wreaking havoc on their and other systems. He has devoted his life to “chemical stimulation” and works at a pawn shop with his father. He has a tendency to surround himself with insane females. His mother, sister and girlfriend (not to mention his best friend, me) are all diagnosed with different mental disorders and have at one time or another flipped out. Brian was my savior when I flipped out in November… He has always been my white knight.
Cal AKA Gacy … as in John Wayne Gacy the serial killer. WHen I met Cal he was the manager at Hot Topics and every Halloween the staff is forced to dress up for the week of Halloween. Cal’s costume was to paint his face as a clown and wear and orange penitentiary jumpsuit. I have a bizarre fear of clowns and Cal loves to play upon my fears, this is how I met him, in fear. We’ve been friends almost 5 years now, but he has not been here for me during the majority of it. Like most of my friends and family he left when things got rough. He is back now, but only in a novelty sense.
Haylee is the person that you want to be. She's beautiful and smart, has a ton of morals and values and all those things. THen there's the totally cool aspect of guitar playing, rugby playing chick thing. She gets up at like 5 in the morning and goes running every day, she drives around the country and stays with friends… she has that many. SHe plays gigs at night and makes money off her music. She has a positive attitude and she's there for her friends. She's kind of a whirl wind but she awesome to the tenth power.
This is not the end of the list, but these are the people who have figured into my life most prominently in the past two years and are still prominent. The most influential people on my life in the past two years however are no longer in it… and I believe, one in particular is the reason for my block and creative stagnation.
Mark- For a year, I couldn’t even see the name without wincing. Which makes it really difficult when there are several St., Marks churches around. I met him August of 2006, December we started dating, May 14th we were engaged to be married on August 22. We had created a life that I was very happy with and content. Before I met him I had planned on going to grad school, not long after we started dating I began receiving my rejection letters. We decided to start our own business, photography and graphic design. I did start the business, but without him. When my parents found out I was dating a guy 11 years younger than me they kicked me out of the house (where I had been since my husband left and kicked me out of that house) it wasn’t long before the rest of my family disowned me, then my friends and as I had already quit my job I had no reason to stay in town. When I left I told him I would come back for him. When I did, it was too late. The ridiculousness of this situation has never been lost on me. I moved with my kids and found a place to live and for us to start again, which was beginning to feel like a trend. my kids have now lost two fathers, as they had become use to Mark and had every intention of calling him dad when we all moved in together. We made it through, and did well until Mark decided he wasn’t quite through with me. In what I can only call a complete mind fuck, Mark led me on for months teasing me, stalking me in some ways and attacking me in others, he drove me completely over the edge. I quit my job and spent three months trying to pull myself together. On May 14th I started Lovescene Photography in the hopes that the business would give me something to focus on to help me get on with my life. In many ways it did, but in others it made me worse.
Fred-e- became my girlfriend, best friend and center of my world for a short time. She basically took the empty Mark spot and filled it in with herself. THings got increasingly worse as the relationship went on. At one point, we had Myself and my kids, Mitchell, Woody, Fred-e and her two kids all living here. She was arrested for drunk driving, assaulting a police officer, resisting arrest and 4 other counts that I forget now. It took Brian (yet again) to save me. He pointed out what she was doing to me, I saw the truth and when I started telling Fred-e no, I suddenly became the bad guy. She left in a huff one morning without telling anyone why and the only reason I ever got was that a joke had been made at her expense and she didn’t like it.
A couple of weeks went by before Fred-e tried the same mind-fuck that Mark had tried, but I recognized it for what it was this time and walked away from her. My son was very happy about that. He never did like her.
Those are the characters who have become part of my own personal mythology. My own fairly tale. To further define what I am doing in my study plan this semester, I am illustrating my own mythology or fairy tale in order to help me find myself. I will attempt to articulate this idea better later.
Wednesday, 8/15/07
I discovered a new artist Sheharzad today thanks to Brian and the wonderful stumble button… it’s an internet add-on that randomly picks web sites. It took awhile to find out who the artist was but I finally tracked him down and asked his permission to use some of his artwork as reference, just to be safe. Sheharzad’s stuff is quite dark and disturbing and fits.
I have found through my research that when I like someone’s artwork, or style, that I tend to have more in common with that artist than the average person. Edward Gorey for example, we are both collectors of random junk, we both love NYC ballet and think George Ballanchine is a god, we both have hermit tendencies and consider Renee Magritte as an inspiration. Granted he’s dead now and all of that should have been in past tense for him, but the point is that this artist that I have always enjoyed since a little girl who would turn on PBS at night just to watch the opening to “Mystery!” has more in common with me than pretty much everyone I know. If I start wearing long fur coats and high top sneakers, someone might need to worry.
I am slowly becoming myself… in more ways than one. Maybe it’s aging and I’m just more comfortable admitting that I am not who others want me to be, or maybe it is distance from the people who tried to dictate who I should be as an adult. Since the disownment by my parents I have found the things that held me back from doing things, making changes that I wanted to make, were not there. Small changes sometimes, a piercing here, tattoo there, and larger changes such as starting my own business and going to grad school later than originally intended seem so much easier to make when I don’t have two looming shadows standing over me dripping vitriol into my brain. So little things, that to other people, may seem insignificant and meaningless have major meaning in my life.
I had my ears double pierced today, for a total of three pairs of holes in my ears. It’s something I’ve been wanting to do since I was 16. I got one extra hole in my ear when I was 17. It lasted about a month before the manipulation got to me. My mother is the master of passive-agressive manipulation, my father likes the mental abuse tactic, but this is only when they see something they don’t like, the rest of the times they just ignored us. By the time I was a teenager I was alone in the house with them and I learned quickly that if I didn’t do anything to attract their attention they wouldn’t even know I was around. They really didn’t notice much of anything unless it was blatantly in their face “weird.” My mother told me early on that I was a strange child and she really didn’t know how to handle me. I think she gave up when around 12 or 13 I started wearing all black and keeping completely covered head to toe all year long, even in the unbearable southern summer heat. Had she bothered to care or investigate she would have seen the cuts covering both arms and legs… this isn’t a new story by any chance, and yeah, it’s indulgent to go on about myself, but I don’t know how else to reclaim myself except by figuring out who I am.
I realized at 25 when I had accomplished all my goals that I had set for myself that I had either set them because my parents wanted me to have them (husband, child, house, car) or I did it because it was the opposite of what they wanted (married a skateboarder, became a dancer, moved places they didn’t want to travel to.) I was very depressed to find that I didn’t feel like I had my own life, but I was living this weird half life that was made through decisions influenced directly by them. So I didn’t make any decisions for awhile and just let life happen. When my husband left and I ended up back at their house we fell into the same routines we were in when I was a teenager. The difference was that I had three kids to worry about.
As much as I hate to admit it, it took Mark to make me realize I was doing it again. Making choices cause they influenced me and not really doing the things I wanted to do… I am not blaming them. I realize I could have made other choices that I didn’t have to do what they wanted,but I think the “mom’s always right” mentality that I was taught growing up just took over again. When I ended up somewhere I didn’t want to be, but met the person who would have a bigger influence over me than anyone else, I knew.
So I got tattoo’s although my dad only said whores had tattoo’s, and I dated Mark, though I was told I was a horrible person for dating a younger man, and when my mom finally flipped out totally, I had become white trash, whorish, cradle robbing scum… and it was possibly one of the best things I ever heard her say. At first I tried to make things better .. but I realized very quickly that I had been the villain in her own personal soap opera for awhile. Even in a perfectly innocent apology letter she chose to read “chose” as "Choose” changing the entire context of the letter… I never bothered to correct her.
During her berating of my character she also attacked Mark and Marks mother, calling them rednecks and trashy… I realized at that moment that if that’s what they were I would prefer that to whatever my mother had tried to turn me into. Never in my life had my mother or father ever taken up for me in a situation in which I was being put down by others. I watched as Marks mother stood by him even when technically the other people were in the right and Mark was in the wrong… I wanted that so bad it hurt. I knew…. know I won’t get that from my “family.” I have made a promise, and I try very hard to keep it; I will stand by and up for my children at all times… if they are in the wrong, I will discuss with them in private, but I will be there for them, through everything. I know my children feel the effects of abandonment from their father and then Mark leaving them in the lurch,but I hope they never feel the pain of abandonment from a parent that is staring them in the face.
Monday August 20th
I’ve gone back to work, I’ve printed the schedule for the house hold, I’ve tried to get work done and then fate decided life wasn’t difficult enough. There is something written in the fates for me that says that simple situations in my life have to be more difficult than they have to be. I know this happens to everyone sometimes, but it happens in my life more than it should. I am not the only person who sees it. My first photography teacher, Arnold Doren, called me Pauline, I knew that he knew my real name, but daily he would call me Pauline. Finally I asked him, he asked me if I had ever seen the Perils of Pauline, and old series of films. The poor girl gets tied to railroad tracks, saw mill conveyor belts and any other number of awful things all the time. Evidently, I was Pauline. To this day it has been a reminder to me that I am not crazy… well not when it comes to this stuff at least.
I was sick as a dog Thursday last week, the first day of my job, I spent the first half of the morning, running back and forth to the bathroom from the auditorium. When I finally made it to my base school, I must have looked pretty bad, they sent me home after ten minutes. The next day, feeling much better, I left early to get to work early, hoping to make up for my very bad first impression… I never made it. Halfway there my car broke down and thinking that it would be simple to fix I didn’t have Mitchell take me to work, instead I had him take me to the service station. I spent all day waiting on the car to be fixed. It sounds trivial, but last year at the beginning of the school year, I was forced to miss the first day of actual classes because my old school didn’t send the paperwork that they had said they would send… three months before. My household only goes about three days without some kind of incident and everything that should be simple is difficult. Even getting my ID badge today was difficult. Because I work at two schools I managed to miss the photographer both times and had to drive to a completely different school to get it done. I’m not writing this to bitch about how shitty my life is, I get depressed and annoyed, aggravated and angry, but I don’t think I have a shitty life. My point in bringing this up is to bring to light some of our family beliefs.
If something is far more difficult than it should be, then you shouldn’t do it. Fate is telling you that you are not meant to do it. The proof of this myth, in our house, is that every time we insist on doing something that is extraordinarily difficult, it ends in disaster. Let me elaborate. I do not mean that we don’t partake in anything that is trying, challenging or difficult… I push myself (obviously, I’m at Goddard) I challenge the kids and make sure they do the same for themselves. I tell them not to accept things the way they are, question and don’t be scared of a challenge. The obstacles that I am talking about are life challenges, roadblocks, figurative and often literal. Things that get in the way, over and over again, and make it difficult to accomplish even the smallest task. These are the signs that fate leaves for us to make us rethink our decisions.
If something falls easily into place, do not take it for granted. One of my biggest regrets is not staying at my old middle school teaching position. It was the only job I’ve had where I was moderately happy and made enough money to live. I got the position so easily it was like a miracle. I stepped into a spot that had been vacant so long the principal had given up finding someone who could handle his students… who better than an ex-student?!
Trust your instincts. Even small things, like turning left or right… we have found that if we had trusted our instinct we wouldn’t have ended up in traffic, or stuck behind the pig truck (yuck.)
Gremlins (or sometimes quantum physics) will decide to move things when we need them the most, or want them badly, and they will not show up until we have completely forgotten about them. Resent example… I bought a camcorder for this program, I allowed Woody to borrow it. When I got it back there was an intricate piece missing. We searched the entire house. Woody was convinced that he had lost it out and about somewhere. I had given up on it and had even went looking for another one today. At the beginning of this journal, Miki walked in with the cord, it had been in his desk, though no one put it there. Another example, a bit more odd and figuring in with my “ritual” and “spiritual” thoughts. I made a promise ring, a bracelet made with intent (a wish really) that is worn and never taken of till it breaks. My “wish”… as much as I hate to admit this, was to get Mark back. It was my daughters birthday, Mark had been messing with my head for going on three months at that point, making the bracelet even more important to me. I took my shower, put the bracelet on, got ready, and me and the kids left to go ice skating… we got about 5 miles from he house when I realized the bracelet wasn’t there. I went home and searched everywhere for it. I knew I had put it on my arm, but it wasn’t there. I searched the house, car, yard, everything. It had just disappeared. A couple of nights later was when Mark took his game too far and I went over the edge, completely delusional and lost in my own head. About three months later, the bracelet showed up. My son found it laying around in plain view and brought it to me. It was broken, meaning that the wish had come true. I had had the chance to possibly be with him again about a month before… but thanks to Brian I was able to say no and realize how bad he was for me.
Signs are everywhere if you just pay attention .. and sometimes they are blatant! Again, this first one has to do with Mark, but the clarity and lack of subtleties are kinda funny. It had been a month since I had heard from Mark. I was pretty certain he was going to leave me alone and I wouldn’t hear from him again. I got a call from my (now ex) art manager, John. He wanted me to meet him. I was still pretty messed up over Mark, but I was trying my best to get through it with minimal mess and fuss. He asked me to meet him in Durham and gave me directions to a restaurant. Mark and I had only ever been to Durham once, to hear our friend Haylee play guitar at a small restaurant. After which we went out to eat at Ruby Tuesdays. John had given me directions to the very same Ruby Tuesdays, while sitting in the same booth Mark and I had sat in, one of my and Marks songs came on, on the way home, a friend called and mentioned him, saying he had contacted her over the internet. That night he emailed me.
This other story is not about Mark, but rather concerns a different ex-boyfriend with an interesting name. I was on edge and watching everything around, to see if I saw signs. On my way to work, I saw a Flock of birds take flight, a song on the radio said Flock of birds and one of the kids said something about a flock all at the same time. I logged it away in my brain and waited for it to make sense. Months went by and nothing. I chalked it up to random occurrence. The night I met Brian we sat up all night talking about everything we could think of. We eventually got to signs and about how I think they are everywhere. He disagreed, and I had to concede, cause I had this weird Flock sign that made no sense… I told him I thought it had to do with my ex-boyfriend Flock, but the connection was never made. The look on Brian’s face was priceless. Flock was one of his best friends, but since Flock has always been private about girlfriends, I’d never met Brian. The sign was given to me, I believe, to reinforce my belief of signs… now Brian watches for them too.
Other more art related work. I found another new artist/illustrator. He draws a cartoon called “pretty freekin scary” but I haven’t been able to find any information on him. I sent off an email with hopes that someone will get back to me to let me know something about the actual artist. I have taken pictures of some of my sketches, and I have been reading and taking notes on everything from the reading, to my general ideas, to things that I see. I have come to the realization that I have far too my interests.
Sunday August 26
What started off as an exciting, new adventure in my life has come against the same brick wall that brought me here in the first place… would this be irony or a catch-22? I can’t seem to move forward and I’m having trouble remembering what it is I’m doing. I keep going back to the study plan, but I’m not sure if I know what I was trying to do when I wrote it. It’s like reading a strangers words. I can’t focus and nothing seems to be getting done. I have some sketches, some photo’s, one short video of a sunrise that’s really more filler than substance, Pages of notes and thoughts, but most of them don’t have anything to do with what I am suppose to be doing. I’m not trying to make excuses, but I think things will be better by the next packet. Along with school being new I so came home to two new part time jobs which have been draining me all week, next week hopefully things will be better. My kids will be back in school and I will have a regular work schedule. I also came home to an ambush… woody was NOT suppose to be here all year so dealing with the fact that Woody is now going to be living here full time is stressful. Two (possibly) three of animals are sick and the fourth one is pregnant, and to top it all off my boyfriend has chosen now to redefine his role here at the house creating even more stress and quite a few arguments. The truth is though, this shit is constant, so therefore it probably won’t get better, but maybe I’ll at least be more use to it.
I keep finding things that seem so important in my reading and studying, like the attitudes toward women in 1600 france who were considered evil because of theur free thinking thoughts…but I don’t know how it fits with what I want to do… I’m not even sure of what I want to do, but the things I read seem so important to me whe I read them. On the other hand, it seems like nothing I read has anything to do with my work. I don’t know if I picked badly with the books, but the fairy tale books seem to be more about where they came from than the underlying meaning behind them.
I found this site, it's called A softer world. For whatever reason it spoke to me. Especially this one
Friday August 31st
The weekend is here, and I do no like my job anymore after a week. I guess there i some pasrt of me that feels I shouldn't have to work a job I hate but Brian keeps saying, why should Ibe any different than anyone else… I can't really answer that. I guess though that most people work for the money and so that they can have money and buy things, but I want to work because I enjoy my job and like being there. I wake up every morning dreading the rest of my day… it makes or a very long day.
I have also notices that I do not deserve the title of artist, seeing as I haven't done anything to deserve these last few months. I still have a canvas, now disgutingly dirty and probably ruined sitting out in my garage that I have started on twice and never finished either time. I ahve tond of half started projects that were left because I couldn't get anything done. I keep blaming it on my brain, my lack of focus, my less than perfect memory… but I wonder if there is something else going on. I feel that this is turning into something that isn't helpful just more bullshit for me to whine about.
I have spent a great deal of time today on the Wiki page. I think when I feel like the creativity is waning that I grasp onto technology, knowing that there is always something new to learn… Maybe Ihave to be told what to do… maybe, although I claim to be all independent and head strong, I can't actually think for myself at all. Sometimes I want to be saved, swept away on a flying dragon to a far off land, I'm sure that is why I'm doing the fairy tale. Some part of me needs to be rescued.
I have also realized that there are some movies/books/tv shows that have had a big effect on my life and the way I see things, I hadn't really realized it before, but now I see it. Even my friends fill the rolls that were in the movies where I (in my mind) was the main character.
Ha ha ha! Ok, all joking aside, Jareth, the Goblin King from Labyrinth has always been an icon to me (my sons first name is even Jareth) The ultimate man who had a passion so strong nothing would stand in his way if he wanted it. Mark stepped into the roll and became something of a god to me… I really want to elaborate on this,but I don't know how without sounding both pathetic and insane.
Mitchell is something of a Ludo, from the same movie though far more attractive. He has been here for me no matter what ad his physical strength has come in hndy more than once. He's not the type to sit around and have discussions on the archetypal meanings in fairy tales, but he has done far more for me than any of the intelligent people have ever done.
Woody is very much the Chesire Cat He's shows up whenever he wants, always has some ridiculous thing to tell you along with a big smile, but you are never really sure where you stand with him. He's also not very dependable.
My children are simply enough the thing that keeps the protagonist going, no matter what. They are the drive behind the story, the thing that keeps me moving.
Brian is my white knight, I've always equated him with the white knight from through the looking glass. Not only the rescuing thing, but the need to be rescued back and the interest in creating things.
Fred-e fits better into a newer literary obsession of mine. A series of books by Kim Harrison that are basically like a detective novel book set in an alternative universe with witches, vampires and such. The protagonist resides with a living vampire who, much like fred-e is out to manipulate and control.
Miranda is a different story, I don't have a cute little picture in my collection that would work, and I'm not sure if she fits anywhere in the stories. She has been with me, been a very good friend and I am just not use to that I have had some really bad situations when it came to friends. Things have happened in my life that have lead me to believe that no one really likes me, so I waffle between the whiny, annoying, "hey wanna be my friend.. I don't have any" to the angst ridden lover who doesn't need anyone anyway. It's a oddity in my life to find someone who chooses to be my friend rather than having to. Cameron was a best friend at one point, but he was never terribly important to my life. He had been a very good friend of my husbands. When he left me I went to see Cameron to tell him bye, let him see the kids again. It was a long drive and he knew I was coming we had talked on the phone earlier. When I arrived he was no where to be found and I never did get to tell him goodbye (this is a reoccurring theme with me) and it only increased the awareness that people where my friends because they had to be.
A boyfriend in high school walked out on me in the middle of the night and I never heard from him again. A boyfriend in the past few years did the same. Just disappeared. And of course there's the ex-husband who got up in the middle of the night, said bye and walked out never to be seen or heard from again by us. This would be a large part of my mythology I guess… Sean, the god of disappearing… or maybe it's more like a fairy tale curse. The little mermaid had her voice taken so she could have legs, maybe I had a large go away sign hung above my head in exchange for my children. I'm still working on the story. Obviously it's not going well.
Journal P-2
Monday 9/10 12:19 am… I should really be asleep
Into the next packet with a walk off the plank into memory infested waters. Friday I got an email. It was from a girl that, has been for a couple of years now, the only person I could honestly say I hated. I had a very violent and angry attitude toward her. I have not lived near her for the majority of the two years
thank god. For her sake I will just call her L. L was the girl that the "love of my life" decided to date along with me. It was an open relationship. I had another person as well. It became clear that the two of use could not handle the thought of the other person with someone else. Too wrapped up in our ideas of possession I guess. I didn't have to worry too much though, she dumped him rather quickly after the first time they had sex.. this had a tremendous effect on him and I spent the better part of a month pulling him out of a depression. We were fine for a while then she came around again and after he decided to be with her again I dumped him. After a couple a few days of both of us being miserable we got back together and decided that we would be monogamous. AFter a couple of months they began talking again… just as friends he said, but it bothered me, knowing what happened before. Anyway, time went on, the "incident" happened and we weren't together anymore. About the time that he stopped playing games… almost 9 months after he dumped me… I found out that they had gotten back together. it was a blessing, because he stopped messing with my head, but I was hurt that this was his "notebook" girl.
SO when I saw her name in my inbox I was filled with a feeling of hatred and fear that I can't really explain. in the email she basically went into how she thought I hated her and how she hated me and how she was jealous of me because of him how she was depressed and things basically sucked for her…. Just to shed some light on part of my worried after reading this… I am a suicide magnet… people that want to commit it, people that have tried to commit it and people that have been surrounded by it… it doesn't bode well for my future… so I immediately went into helper mode and wrote her back telling her I didn't hate her, I understood if she wanted to hate me, that I hoped she would be ok, etc, etc… BUT the whole time I couldn't help but think it was/is a trick… It's him messing with my head again, it's her, but he's putting her up to it… they are trying to wreck my life… Yes, I know, paranoia… but just because your paranoid doean't mean they aren't trying to get you. I know from past experiences that he would do something like this.
But the fact that it might be real… I keep writing,although it is causing crazy emotions and I feel all insane again. If he has left her, if she is in the same place I was in when he left me, I don't want to leave her to fight through it alone. I was hard enough for me, and I know I am a strong person. He exerts a control over people that is unimaginable. He could be napolean or alexander if he had the drive. So I keep writing her back, three emails no she has sent me. A person that until recently was the onlperson I could ever imagine wanting to hurt.
Maybe that's why… Maybe it's the knowledge that I need to let go of that old anger. It's not her fault. He should not have used us against each other. We could have been friends… but I will never be able to trust her, simply because I don't actually know if it is truly her or not.
Sunday 9/16/07 …Not enough time in the day…
I have tried all week to get work done and the odds just seem to be against me. I have done a few sketches and alot of reasearch. I have had lots of ideas, which I am quite proud of.. not how good the ideas are, just the fact that my brain does seem to be working again. I am getting overwhelmed really easily, and sick even easier. I am sick at least one day a week. Not sure what's wrong. I keep forgetting to do normal things, like laundry. I finally got it done today and I insisted that I have some times to work today. I've tried to organize my ideas on the ideas page and I've been untilizing the coding I know to make the pages a little less messy. It is taking me a lot longer to get back into the swing of things than I thought it would and that I think it would anyone else. I am feeling pretty good about the story and the fact that it kinda seems to be coming together. I like my characters and I feel like even though it is obviously not true to reality it is somehow true to how I feel… (grrr… I keep asking them to stay out and they STILL come in here constantly!) The books I have been reading about fairy tales aren't really helping me in the way I thought they would but the breaking down of the fairy tales to explain what each thing means, corresponds to what I'm trying to do. I have gotten some footage for three of the little mini-movies (Which are really more like music videos) that I want to have done by next packet date whihc is closer than I realized. I've been working on sketches, but I've been doing them in pencil instead of pen so they don't show up as well. I will try to get them up though.
Our household has grown yet again. My cat had her kittens and I now have 4 new kittens under my bed. My rat dies and Mitchell went out and bought two more and we got a new iguana. We have a small zoo. I went to see my friend Kat who also models for me n the hopes that we would get some work done, but it turns out she really just wanted someone to vent to. I am the emotional dumping ground for my friends. I don't mind, but I sometimes feel like I take on their emotional baggage and it makes my shoulders ache.
I long for the days when I could lounge around in the bed with Mitchell cuddling and being silly, get up and cook without a schedule or worry that there wouldn't b enough food. Money makes me mad and always puts me in a bad mood when I have to worry about it. And that is the source of every argument in this house.
I have rearranged several pages and some are across the top now. I will be making other changes as well. I think I'm changing the appearance I'm getting kinda sick of this one.
Tuesday 9/18/07 … Almost proud of myself…
I have put up new sketches, new stories, a new movie, new ideas and new journal entries. I have added onto the story and changed the site around. At work I have called parents gotten classes almost under control and had my first parent conference today along with my first detentions tomorrow. I feel like I am barely above the water but at least I am not drowning at the moment.
The movie is kinda what I wanted, but I didn't want to use my kids, but both of my models flaked out on me and I didn't realize how close the deadline was. I decided to use the kids and now I'm a little worried that it came out looking like a "see my kids" kinda thing, which is not the purpose. I am still working on two others… one of which kinda is look at my kids, but it still is meant to have more substance that just that. I am in hopes of getting up a few more digital art pieces as well and maybe work on the story more. I get time to work, but it is not the way I would like it to be. I guess I am just to use to being able to do whatever I want, whenever I want and only having to worry about my kids.
Regrdless, I feel like I got some decent work done this 3 weeks. None of the book I've checked out have helped me in the ritual reearch really, so I'm going to be doing alot of online research for that. I can't think of anything else right now and I think my brain is about to explode. So I'm gonna go before I mess up my new computer with blood and brains.
Another Video
I've pt up my second movie. I'm not entirely happy with it. It is basically what I wanted, but I feel it is missing something. It is suppose to have a meaning, it is not just random. I'm not sure if the meaning or story gets across. This is mainly a rough draft of sorts for the bigger project that I am aiming towards this semester. The idea of travel as cathartic. Driving as a cleansing ritual. Of course many people call it running away.
Update and some pointless stuff
I've put up more videos an a little experiment that I tried with sound. I found it interesting, I don't really know if it has anything to do with the work or not. There will be some more sketches up tomorrow and I will try to add more to the story.
I realized tonight, that all the weird little things that you only tell to the person you love, the person you think you will be with for the rest of your life. I've told three people at this point, and that bothers me a bit. I guess it shouldn't really, Fred told everyone her deepest darkest secrets every time she got drunk…. which was pretty fucking often. So I don't know what I want to do with this information. Poem, story, fit it into the final product which keeps seeming further and further away. I guess this is just a rambing entry about nothing.
Last packet 2 update
I have put up everything I have been working on this three weeks. I didn't do as much reading. I tried to do more creative work. I felt like I didn't have enough concrete stuff last time and although I read a lot I felt like what I was reading wasn't all that helpful, just interesting. Next three weeks I think I will try to do more toward ritual building.
JOURNAL P-3
10/01/07… Monday… I hate Mondays
I now realize that I am going to be UNABLE to have a set time in which I work. I am working whenever I can, the time and work and kicking my ass making it almost impossible to stay up late to get anything done. I have found several links (completely by accident too) on delayed sleep phase syndrome and I think I may have it. My body keeps trying to go back to a 3am-11am schedule. Sorry I got off track again. I am working wherever I find the time and the chance. Most of my sketches are done in the classroom, I have ideas and sometimes whole story segments while I am int he car. Very rarely do I get to sit down at the computer and work the way I want to. Regardless, I am beginning to understand that my "practice" is constant rather than scheduled… WHich isnt a bad thing necessarily… I hate that word I always spell it wrong…
I found a site with some drawings… I love being able to say that I was inspired by someone younger than me. I hate to see people belittle children just because they are children. I know plenty of adults that are just as annoying and ignorant as kids… anyway, new site that I love the drawings on. It has really helped some of my blockage in the story if for no other reason than I now I have some more visuals to work from. drawings
10/7/07 … Sunday… Been working all day
My headphones are almost completely glued to my head at this point. I've taken two breaks for lunch and dinner and other than that I've been working since I woke up. I kinda like what I've done, but I know that I will most likely hate it later. I'm creating a kind of digital collage, but I'm trying to make it different from what I would normally do, or I hope others do. I'm not doing as much studying as I think I should. I feel like I should have a book glued in front of my face all the time. Other things have happened that effect me emotionally, but I don't exactly feel safe putting them down. Which is the problem in the first place… Round and round in my head. The story is basically finished though I haven't finished writing it. Little things keeps stopping me. For example in the next section the rock Pauline i sitting on has to be knocked over the cliff, but i"m not sure if I want Pauline to do it in a fit of rage or another entity to do it. I look at the drawings and the writings and I see a completely different style from one section to the next… On the one hand it is what I want cause it shows the progressions of the story and the writer in a different way but I also really feel like I need to work on continuity… it is a continuous problem for me… Ok bad pun, anyway. I'm still stuck on the whole ritual thing and there is this part of me that says why bother, if it's over it's over, but there's another little voice in my head that is saying that is just the scared part of me that either doesn't want to face up to my fears or either doesn't want to let go of the last little part of all of this. I still feel like a lost little girl in a world of big scary art monsters.
10/10/07 … Wednesday… A new outlook
I've decided to stop hating my job trying to find a way out of it. When I do that I end up with this really strong feeling of temporary, and I keep waiting for the day it will be over. That will drive me crazy. I've got to get myself to accept the fact that i will be driving the long drive and putting up with the annoying kids or the rest of the yer and there isn't anything I can really do about it but look for other jobs without much hope. Not trying to sound depressed, but if I have my hopes up that I'll find another job it will actually be worse rather than better.
I had an idea the other day that really excited me. I want to do a video to the say anything song admit it.
I want to have a few teachers who were possibly (Hopefully) the punks, the non-conformists, the people who were against the system, and classes full of stereotypes. I just have this vision of the teachers standing on top of desks yelling at students who seem bored and uninterested, the teachers dressed in their "work clothes" and rip open a shirt to reveal a band shirt or a message shirt… something. An image of them against a chalkboard with their class name written with one letter as the anarchy symbol
I still feel really lost though, but some of the overwhelming-ness has gone away. I still have moments, little anxiety attacks fo no apparent reason, but I'm doing better with this whole insane, I am thing I got going on. I want to paint. I want to create, I have ideas, now, It's just time to get something done. that's the hard part.
… Later that same day…
I've spent al night getting tree source pictures for the evil tree thing, and trying to research rituals but my computer is acting up, typical, I finally get a chance to work and I can't. I've been reading "Spinning Straw into Gold" as well I'm afraid I haven't gotten as much actually creative work done as I feel I should have.
Early Sunday morning… Oct. 14th
Couldn't sleep so I got up and started cleaning and realized that yet again I have allowed other people to take over my life to a certain degree. I have pets I don't want and house mates I never asked for. It's hard to get anything done around here and the house i always a disaster and rather than help, the house mates like to blame it on the kids and say that they always clean up after themselves… yeah, well my kids don't leave cigarette butts everywhere. So anyway, I realized I hadn't wrote a conclusion or anything. This three weeks has been spent reading and doing research. I had plans for this weekend but they were canceled. I don't feel like I have enough work up, but I feel like I haven't sopped working. I always feel like I have to vouch for the work I do. As If someone will not be able to see the amount of time that was put into something. I hope to have a good portion of the video done by next packet as well as all of the story and more illustrations.
JOURNAL P-4
Monday Oct 22, 2007
I really feel like I am wasting time. I feel like I am not getting anything done. I feel like everything is useless and is completely pointless. I hate my art, I hate my story, I hate my job and everything else around here. This is ridiculous. I can't get anything done, I forget everything and I feel like I am becoming more and more stupid every day. I want to learn something new but I don't know when I'd do it. As it stands now Mitchell see's my kids more than I do. I'm about ready to give up and accept the fact that I'm never gonna be happy again and not even worry about grad school or anything else.
Saturday Oct 27, 2007
Something about discipline and my issues with that and authority. I don't remember.
Later the same day…
I think that I am scared, scared to face the inner demons, scared to face the truth, scared to admit that this is my life and I'm not gonna wake up or be rescued most of all scared to let go completely. The only thing I haven't done or at least began on in my entire study plan is the ritualistic aspect of getting rid of the old baggage and moving on with my life, completely giving up on him. There is still a little part of me that thinks he may need me again and I can't seem to let it go. I still feel the pain as if it were yesterday and though I can not string a coherent sentence together lately or remember my PIN number I can call forth a memory of him that is as clear as if I took a photo of it. And I can still feel everything the way I felt it when the memory happened. I think I have repressed so much, pushed so much down and back and tried to hide it that I have caused myself to forget everything. I don't know how to deal with this. I thought what I'm doing now would help but it seems to be making it worse. The story, the images, the ideas, the memories, they are all too painful and i am so so tired of being in pain.
a few minutes but also the next day later…
I want to learn to work with color better, I want to learn to draw and paint better, I really ant to learn to tpaint people using arbitrary colors in a way that looks compositionally sound and aesthetically pleasing at the same time.
I also miss dance and I think much of my problems come from the lack of dance in my life. For a person who lived and breathed dance for so long and then even after that taught classes as much as she could, it's a little weird to not be dancing at all. It's been over a year.
I also want to learn how to do the decal style extra clean line graphic art stuff that looks like graphics for a book but I think are art and the stencil spray paint in the style of banksy
Sunday 10/28 2007
I've figured it out. I don't have to reclaim my practice cause I never had one. I've always only been an assignment based artist. I've never done art for fun or for any reason other than I was taking it as a class. s far as I can remember, I've only ever done one work that was totally for me and not because it was an assignment, a ob or required for some reason.
Every other work Ive ever done no matter how much I liked or hated it or how proud I am of myself for doing it, it was because someone asked for it in one way or another and I had "guidelines" to follow. I don't have to reclaim my practice, I have to create one that is artistic in nature and not assignment based. Problem is I'm not sure if I know how. I have too many interests, I jump from one thing to another and I will finish something but a lot of times I don't finish it unless I have too and alot of the times my finished is not as finished as it should be. So this is why I am stuck, this is why I don't understand the Goddard mentality, even though I like to think that I am this independent free willed person, my art has been controlled and dominated by others the entire time it has been in existence and I've been told so many times that what I'm interested in isn't art that I constantly question everything I do, but I find that I do not question someone that I think is a "great artist" as much as I should. Where does my mentor get off on saying that my work is high-schoolish and campy when he doesn't even know if that was what I was going for… sorry went off on a tangent there. So I have to decide what I really want to do cause I don't really know. When someone asks what my art is, I'm kinda unable to answer. SO My big revelation after three and a half packets is that I don't actually know that I'm suppose to be doing. Big surprise.
Soooo…. Later sunday night
I think part of my problem is this capitalist middle class mentality that I can't seem to get out of my head of success success success. I keep hearing the voices saying "if it doesn't hang in a gallery then it isn't art." Argh!! I thought about it today, my favorite "projects" I have done were not traditional at all. Some students and I went around and picked up leaves that had fallen. On the leaves we wrote messages with a sharpie. Then we took the leaves and placed them around the school and tried to not be too obvious. Over the next few days people wold find them. The messages ranged from HI! To Ghandi quotes to Mr Edwards sucks (Our principal at the time.) We didn't tell anyone that we did it, we just watched hat happened. One teacher hung theirs up in their classroom and a student put one on his notebook. It was fun and interesting and nothing that I would ever make money off of.
Unfortunately that is what most everything in my life comes back to… can I make money doing that? I hate being that way, but until I find some kind of donor or beneficiary (yeah right) I have to worry about it… as does everyone else with out a trust fund.
Another time, on valentines day my boyfriend at the time bought a dozen roses, but not for me exactly. He knew how I felt about the commercialization of holidays and the emotional stress it puts on people. The roses were to give away to anyone who didn't have one. So the entire day if we saw a girl looking rather lonely and depressed we gave her a rose. It was amazing what a difference it made in some people.
I like the visual things I do, but I also like the concepts that I do. I know conceptual art is considered a legitimate art form, but it's one of those things I'm kinda confused on. When does it become art and when is it an exercise in futility. How do you document or do you document. Art is fleeting should it be preserved or allowed to disappear?
Even later Sunday Night: I want to create these paintings that are based on songs by "Armor for Sleep" They really have the obsessed lovesick fool down pat. Their songs have an eery quality that I would like to capture in my work. Plus their music puts voice to many of my feelings and thoughts and I would like to illustrate them in my own way now.
armor for sleep
I started one video to their song "A quick little flight" but I am still working on it.
JOURNAL P-5
Wednesday November 7th 2007
I have come to realize I do not WANT to create a bond with students. I care about them too much when I do and then I take on all their problems and try to fix them. It's just who I am. I would be better off in a regular job I think.
Does anyone else see the zombie references in the story of christ? eat from my body? rising from the grave, bringing lazurus back from the dead? It is the first zombie story!
Sunday November 25th (Kessy's birthday)
I feel like I have less work to show but have done more work in general. I put so much time into the images, the story and the fairytale paper. I'm not sure if it can be seen though. I had an entire list of things I wanted to get done before today but in the end I decided rather than have a lot of half-assed projects to turn in how about work realy hard on just a couple of things.
The one thing that is not on here at all that I worked a great deal on was the video that I am creating to go with the story. I want to make a multimedia presentation that incorperates the story, video, art, voice, animations. I have made collected footage for and made three video's but out of context, they do not make much sense. I have decided to have the kids read parts of the story outloud and create a soundtrack to go behind them, I'm going to do some animation for parts of the story and put it all together with the images I'm already made. I thought about doing it in a reading rainbow kinda way… but I'm still tossing that idea around.
I have realized and felt and came to many conclusions this semester. I hope my work has not been dissappointing in any way.