Times like this I feel utterly alone. Like I am the only person on the face of the planet. I feel like no one understands or cares and I know, people everywhere feel the same way, I just wish it didn't hurt so damn much. How do people exist day after day with this much pain in their lives… HOw do I do it? because I am not usually aware. There is just so much anguish and hurt inside and it feels like I'll never be happy ever again. Its like I can feel everyones pain. am I feeling your pain? Are you even in pain? Why can't I feel your happiness? Are wejust all big bottles of repression waiting to explode? I feel so alone… and it's sad but all I want is to hear from one person. To see that person, to have that person hold me and let me hold them, just for a moment. Would everything be ok then? would the world fall back into place if I could just hold him for a second or am I deluding myself. He doesn't want me. He has a beautifl girlfriend who is having his baby. He doesn't want me. That doesn't stop me from wanting him. I'm so tired of this life… no, I'm not I guess… I dont know. I just feel like I'm the only person in the world and I'll never be ok or happy again. I keep faking t with him, with the other one. He makes me feel better for a time, but it doesn't last, it's like sweet n low when youw ant sugar, or near beer when you want guiness, or hamburger when you want steak.

Found this poem, I love it

Bilingual by Jose Nunez

The only aphrodisiac I need is your voice
Hearing you speak my name
Beckoning me to answer
Telling me you want me
So I tell you that you're the answer to every question I've ever had about love

Without words I use my tongue to tell the tale of us
Tracing your shadow escape
Kneeling before you my eyes feast upon your masculinity and
All its divinity and I praise you
Because all of that is for me

I begin to indulge myself of your delicacies
Digesting semi-sweet dark chocolate decadence
as it melts, dripping down my chin
Your taste is something that Godiva couldn't re-create

Needing every atom of your anatomy
Necessity is placed upon me knowing you are the source of my serendipity
Dipping in and out of me stroking more than my consciousness
Subconsciously I find myself rewinding our love scenes
In my daydreams
Seeing that face you make when you're making me cum
And it makes me want you right there and then

Thinking of you in inappropriate places I get
Tingling sensations in private locations where
I wish to be caught between a rock and your hard place

As wetness develops my legs begin to open
and my spark turns to a back draft
and all I want you to do is extinguish it
You know my body like the back of your hands
You touch me and send me into ecstasy

My thighs quiver in anticipation
of deep penetration which gets me high
Body rising
Make-up melting
Pulling my hair and scratching my back
I get a temporary case of tourettes because
all I can say are four letter words in a four octave-range screaming your name

Aye papi, eres tan grande y tan duro, y mo lo das tan bueno…
tu eres mi pecado mortal…cojelo otra vez…

You fucking me makes me bilingual

I see your tongue pink between your lips
and I want it between mine
And I struggle
As you lick torturing me
I try to get away but
Not really

Running out of room begging for more up against the wall
that has been scuffed by my stilettos
Again, again, again
You pry apart my thighs and tell me to be still
And I willingly submit to you because I love the way you dominate me
Demanding that I cum for you so I do as I'm told

You've molded me so I'm good to no-one else but you
You've conquered this once orgasmicless world and multiplied it
Again, again, again

My face radiates with after-glow
My pillow scented by you
A fragrance which haunts me
My room smells of the best sex
I, covered in body prints and finger prints and you above me
Your name written indelibly upon my body in your genetic history
Again, again and again

You fucking me makes me bilingual

It's raining.. I always think about you when it rains. Tat night in the rose garden. We ran around chasing each other til we were soaking wet, you picked me th last rose, mostly dead, I still have it somewhere. Why is it such a bad thing to you to be sentimental? Because it serves no purpose? do you think it makes you weak… makes me weak? I feel you int he rain still, but I do not run out in it expecting to see you driving up anymore… I always said if you came bck to me it would be in the rain. You're never coming back nd that's porbably a good thing. I probably don't need you. I'm too different, you couldnt' handle me, I couldn't handle you. One day I will feel something real again. Until then I take pain… and the occasional rain on my shoulders

FUck, I'm so… pathetic? Wimpy? Wussy? Unable to keep my word even to myself… I don't know. it's just really sad that here I am. I know I don't "want" him anymore, but yet I can't get him out of my head. Whenever I have a happy memory or think about the good times they are almost always with him… So many memories are wrapped up in him… and then there are the memories without him, that were with him in their own unique way…. I want to know if he's ok, if he's happy. if he wants me to leave him alone or continue to make the effort. I've sent a few messages and I've heard nothing back. maybe he's moved gotten internet and is always online gaming. Maybe he realized he was wrong and he doesn't want to be freinds with this freak of a person. Maybe he's sitting at home right now thinking about me and wishing I was somehow different. I can't help bu think he's not actually happy and is just faking it. I know I am, maybe that's why I see it, I'm just projecting… yeah, you know. I bet him and his future wife and bun in the oven are really happy and he has no need for a psycho friend so I should really just leave him alone… I just hate knowing that I can talk to him, but he just won't talk back.

Is it better to be alone for all time or with the wrong person, espcially when you feel like the right person is gone forever? I feel like I'll never have that love again. That all consuming love. I want someone to be with forever, but I want someone that I really love and not just kinda like.

“One of my philosophy professors lectured wildly about love once, yelling: “When you’re in love with someone, that person is the lighthouse of your universe.” (I scrawled it inside Science and Poetry in pencil—lighthouse of your universe—as if I would ever forget that phrase.) He was a delightful caricature of his position. I could swear he literally tore his hair out while howling at us. He went on, “Nothing means as much without that person.”
One of the men in the class repeated, incredulous, half-laughing “so you’re saying you can’t enjoy, like, a vacation, without someone if you’re really in love with them?”
“Of course not.” the professor replied. “Not completely. You recognize beauty, but beauty means less if they don’t witness it with you. Beauty is less. You see something sublime and your first thought is that they should be there with you. It’s not as good without them. They illuminate. They make everything more.”

I miss that feeling. I still think how much I want to share things with him. But he is not HIM anymore. he is someone else. Someone how is geting married and having kid and not being with me. I'm not sad in the sense that I am depressed and wanting him… I know he is not the same person I was in love with, I know that for certain now. I don't even know if I could love the new person he is even if I had a chance or wanted a chance. But I do miss what we had. I miss feeling like everything was better with him. Now I have to go out and find someone else that everything will be better with. Not realy wanting to look which is why I keep doing what I've been doing for so long. I miss really being in love. I want to be in love with someone who loves me back, completely and will stay with me.

Ok, so I haven't updated this since I went ff the meds… good to know… I' not miserable, actually I'm quite ok with the fact that he's gone. I realize that he really doesn't deserve me and he obviously can't handle me which just goes back to him not deserving me. So enough of that bull shit.

Today… jeez man, I've been on my feet all day. Work then Miki got hurt, at the ER, Miki has 2 broken bones, then meds were impossible to get. drove all over fucking three towns to get them then had to clean up some… fuckingunbelievable. I still have to do work, take a shower and get ready for work tomorrow. I'm so fucking tired. I just want to go to bed.

How do I forget what we were? How do I go back to just being friends. Sometimes it feels like it's impossible. Like maybe I should just tell him to go away, leave me alone, never contact me again. I would be miserable for awhile, but I could go back to pretending like he's not real, just a figment of my imagination. I wouldn't dare look at him on facebook or myspaceor anywhere else for that matter. I would go very far away from here. Find someone who I could pretend with… cause that worked so well the last 2 times I tried… I hate feeling like this, like I am so unimportant. THis must be what catholics feel like before they renounce their god. All I ever fucking do is whine. I just want to be happy, but ti seems so fucking impossible. Depression is so great. I wonder what he would od if I disappeared and didn't talk to him, would he even care? Probably not.

I am never satisfied. I feel as if I have just thrown away a great gift which was given to me to help ease my burden, but when I look back I see that he did not ease my burden as much as he made it worse. I think about the proverbs and words of wisdom I have read about people leaving, and not being in your life and I realized the wise words were written byt he people who were doing the dumping, not the ones being dumped. I sure he will look back on this and realize he is so much better off without me. I know I don't love him, and I wish I could, but I am never satisfied and I wonder if I would even be satisfies if I got what I think I want. Why Can't I just be one of the brainless, mindless imbeciles who are hapy with whoever they have and whatever job they have and they are fine with life as long as they are surviving and occasionally take a vacation to myrtle beach.

I woke up this morning with energy. I went for a run. I noticed that I could see again, see photographs, see images intead of just scaning over the world. Not sure what the difference is, worried I might start getting manic, don't want to go there. haven't heard much from Mark recently. He's being closelipped or something. Mitchell is officially moving out next weekend… though I think he may try to push it longer. If this works it will be the most congenial seperation ever. No bloos shed, no screaming no hysterics… Weird. Damn, I think this means that I am growing up… I have to stop this before it becomes permanant.

I realize I don't need Mark, I just want him… I don't know i that is better or worse, but I don't have to have him, I can survive without him, i just don't feel as complete.

Please tell me I'm doing the right thing. I shouldn't keep him with me if I don't love him, even if he thinks he loves me… right? He said i was ruining his life, that I had just fucked up everything. All I did was ask him to et his own place. I didn't even break up with him. I just want to have my house back. I want to be able to type without anyone hanging over my shoulder, i want to be able to cook dinner with no meat. I want to buy groceries and they still be there in a week. Yes, I will miss his body in bed, but… Didn't he make me miserable? Did him making me miserable actually make me happy? Will I wish I hadn't donw this? Why does he have to take it so far. All I want is my space. Not to fuck other people, not to never see him again, not even to date other people. I just want personal space which he doesn't give me.

So know what I meant and you know it. I don't know if I can handle being your friend with the knowledge that I will never get you back…I had come to grips with the fact that I would never get you back. That's why I gave up. It's why I'm with Mitchell. But it was also because you were not a part of my life at all. So now I get to talk to you and be your friend but I can't see you and I can't touch you and I will never ever get to hold you ever again, but I can talk to you… I'm suppose to be ok with that, I do realize I said I would be happy with just that but evidently my emotions don't agree with my brain. I don't know if I can handle just being your friend while you date and do whatever. I want you in my life. I want to have my own place where my friends can come visit and I want you to come visit and occasinally spend the night and be… normal. I just want a normal life but I want it with you. Not mitchell. No one else, just you. Why can't you feel the same?I wish you would feel the same for me as I feel for you. if I wish for it hard enough will it happen, if i ask the omnipotent being to do it for me would you then? Or would it be fake. Mitchell says he doesn't want me to get hurt… I've been hurting for three years. The times I cried over seeing or hearing from you were tears of relief for a second that you still new I existed. Now you know i exist and you are in my life but not really. Do I have to start all over and wait another 6 months? Or will I never ever have you as my own again. Is this how mitchell feels? How the fuck do I tell him I want to live alone without him thinking I'm leaving him for you. Do I tell him tonight? A week from now? I don't know what to do.

This is wha I get for asking for it. i probably would have been better off without him txting me back on Sunday night and us having two night of conversation cause now I find out he has a girlfriends and has had one the entire time. So where do I stand here? exact same place i did before. In love with someone who doesn't want me. It was just from the double entendres and innuendos I thought he was trying to be coy, but was maybe interested once I didn't have someone else. Foolish me. its always the same with mark. never fails, I here whenever he wants someone for whatever reason and I'm always left alone. And yes, I'm gonna fucking do it again and again and again. it will never fucking end. I love him too much. There is no one more perfect for me than him. I'm sure of it. He had lovers an relationships in the past three years, so have I, but It was always him, I dount he would ever say that… unless he read this journal and used it to fuck with me some more. So I asked via txt, why he didn't tell me… no answer. Probably won't get one. He'll do his wonderful disapearing trick again…. This is so hard. WHy can't I caontrol my emotions? What the fuck is wrong with me? I'm so sick of feeling like this but the reverse is so wonderful.

I don't care anymore, if one of them reads this then oh fucking well. I'd like to thin that knowing my true feelings would actual help but I fear that mark wil simply use this as an excuse to run away. As long as he is communicating with me in someway, not every second, but once or twice a day, I feel strong enough to do things I haven't been able to do in years. I feel strong enough to go on without drugs or alcohol or any mind numbing thing. When he doesn't speak to me I feel like the world is going to implode right into my heart. Like everything is pressing in on me and I can't escape and no amount of new age thinking cleansing meditating or anything works to get rid of it. I takes months of realizing he's not coming back to get to the point where the pain has gottn so normal that I can handle day to day life. THen he goes and make me hapy again. THREE YEARS I've gone almost a year from the last time he tried to talk to me. I've been able to press the pain down. Then last week, last week was great. He talked to me, he said we could be friends, I woke up and felt the pain was gone. It was like someone removed a 1000 lb weight from my chest. I could breathe and be happy and feel good about everything. I could make decisions, I could face things that scared me I could be the me that I remember. I don't want to go back to being miserable!. I don't know i I fucked it up by saying too much or if he's just not wanting to talk to me or he was fucking with me the entire time. But I don't want him to disappear again. Not because I lovehim, though I do,ut because I just want him in my life so I can feel like me again. SO I CAN have that fuck the world attitude and not worry about anyone else. He doesn't understand that he holds that part of me in him now. I can only get it back by talking to him. If there is any omnipotent being out there reading this by any chance don't let him leave me like this again… please. I'm going to be selfish here. I am a better person when he is with me. Not dating or in love, just friends… and if something else happens then it happens, but I finally got the guts to leave mitchell and say I want to live by myself and now it's gone again. I know it's stupid to think someone else has that kind of control over you an that I have it in me the entire time,but it's just not true this time. I can feel him, all the time. I can feel him and when he's not "with" me I feel part of me going away. I thought i had imagined it all those years ago, but now I know, I know it's true. it has to be. WHy else would things feel so different with him in my life. SO yeah. I'm frekaing out a bit and he's just be gone for the weekend, But I can't help but think I've pissed him off, that I've spoiled everything, ruined it all and I want to be not broken anymore. it has been my only secret wish for so long, I ust don't want to be broken anymore and I think he's the only that can fix me. Please, don't let this happen again, not like this. I had just gotten to a point where I felt like I could think striaght. I was able to pull together my study plan, make a huge fucking decision and start on the steps to it. all because he was there for a second. God this sounds so fucking stupid. I realize, but just …. Thank you.

FUck. I just went to archive my old journal entries, I decided to put perfomance journal archives with the regular journal archives, but I must have clicked something wrong… I just lost my entire journal for last semester. It's just gone. I don't evenknow what was in there. I don't how important it was… THis sucks so bad.

WHew! False alarm. I got mixed in with the collapsibles. I found it… feel better now.

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