performance journal

Revolving doors- Mark sent me a message today on face book, first one since about september. I haven't created anything since november and he called me on it. I have felt completely un inspired then this tonight in the shower
"Since you left my Body/vagina has installed a revolving door. So many people come and go. Men and women of all ages and sizes, color and wealth, all with the single minded task of wiping you… from my body, my mind, my heart…" A painting… surealist I think, a womans legs open on a bed spread with a revolving door where her vagina should be. People going in and coming out dressed in different ways with cleaning clothes. Some wiping the legs, other could wipe the doors. Call it wiping the marks clean. Or something like that. DOn't know if I'll do it but it's the first inspired piece since the sex essay


So I've been terrible about this journal, but I think I know why. I was so wrapped up in Mark and what he wanted that Iw asn't really making my own art… I could have written about some of it,but this shit from the past month was just terrifying in some aspects and I'm just really glad it's over. I feel like me again, the me that I think I am.. SPekaing of which I have come up with some really amazing ideas… AT leats I love them right now. I want to do a photoshoot where I write messages to myself on my body and take pictures, close up if the messages. I want to have my friends dress like me, or te me they think I am and let me take pictures of them. I want to dress in different personas of myself and take pictures like that.

I don't think Iw ant to do anything with the dark mind. I think I was holding onto it so close because it was mark and I had made him into this paragon of perfection for me, but now I know he's not. Granted I am basically makiong everything he ever said right… but who fucking cares. He has made himself into this hateful person that no one can love. I'm not going to waste my time on him nymore. I don't want to do the story cause it was just my way fo holding onto him even longer. I'm not saying I'll never do anything about him ever again, but I'm not going to go out of my way to make something about him that I don't really want to do. I will do what feels right, not what I think I should do. I"m not turning him into a legendary figure in my life anymore. He is just another ex. Not any more special than any of the other ones. Hell I got over my husband of ten years in less time than it's taken me to get over mark. Not that I'm over him for sure, I just feel pretty good about it right now.

I think the knowledge that he does think about me, that he has thought about me and wanted to see me asnwered a lot of my questions and the fact that he l;eft not because of something I did so muc as who I am… that needs a little more explanation. I've been told that I am in the form of concentrate, Where as most people are diluted, I am not and Mark just can not handle me. I know it's the truth now. he always leaves when I'm in my most emotionally powerful… good or bad… place. He says he's addicted to darkness but the truth is he's addicted to aloneness. He can't handle emotions, emotions are dark and scary.

So several paintings I'm not doig anymore because of the above things. I will not be doing the addicted to darkness one… Unless I can adapt it for soemthing that I WANT to do and not because it's about Mark. There are a few other ideas that I will not be doing not just because they came from him, but because they really weren't my idea.

SO this put a small spin on the semester since my main focus was going to be the story. Not sure what i want to do… guess I really need to be focusing on my practicum. But thinking about self exploration, things like that. DOn't know for certain yet though.


Yeah so… I have no idea where I want to go with my art now. I can do anything I'm interested in and there are so many things but I don't want to start on this whole new thing that's just going to not help in my degree requirements. I could do more on sex in art, or strong female role models. I could go nack and do some work on anarchy or poetic terrorism. Neofeminism, art as a single mom, art in the classroom… I have so many choices and I dn't know what to do… I'm not sure what I'm more interested in. THe only thing I know I want to do is i want to do a shoot with myself as model with these different messages written to myself on my own body. That's the only thing I'm sure of. I'm not out of ideas, I feel inspired, I just don't know what to do or what direction to take or anything. I'm also a little worried that I will waste time on soething I don't need for school.

Becoming a stronger woman, becoming myself, being able to say that YES this is me and this is what I think and this is how I feel and I am just as real as the rest of you and I don't need your fucking approval any goddamn more! If I want to listen to my music and wear the clothes I wear and date who I date I have every right and I don't DON"T DON"T HAVE TO FUCKING APOLOGIZE!!!!!! Yes, Iw ant this fire, I want the power in me that says fuck you to their faces not just when their not around. I want to be myself all the time.

wow… so I've been reading things on neo-feminism and the first and second waves of feminism. I knew it was a hot debate, but I didn't realize so many people equate feminism with nazi's. I want to do a painting of hitler ina d ress or a gestapo made up of women… or both! Or put the head of a famous feminist on a nazi body… have them oppressing men.. . not because i agree but because that's what i see when I think of all these articles.

SOmetimes Iw ant to kick myself for being so dense! Strong females!!!! Mitchell just called asking what season of Buffy "once more with feeling" is on and I have a vague memory of wanting to do something wiht strong females way back when. It hink it was before Goddard, but I'm gonna go through my ideas and stuff to be sure, but I have Gads of research on fictional and real strong females. It's my favorite genre… girls that kick ass. Buffy, faith, willow, dark angel, anita blake, rachel morgan, I know I have written about this before!! I just have to find it!.

I can't find what I wrote, but I already have my title… You are my heroine! Fmeale protagonists… something like that with the play on heroine the drug and heroine the female protagonists. Maybe I could write pauline another story where she gets to be stronger.

Strong females in movies books and Tvs. Females in horror movies, how females are portrayed in media, the new vision, Joss whedons vision of the perfect female… I'm loving this!!! THank you Mitchell!! I'm sure it would have come to me sooner, but this was like turning on a faucet. I'm worried I'll have an idea that I can't get out. Why do I like strong females characters so much? Why do I like strong yet flawed female characters? Why do I still like happy endings… sometimes. Female killers, female criminals, boudicca!!!! Dont forget Boudicca!!!!!! Who all have I been? How many kick ass girls have I looked up to and didn't really notice? THis puts a slightly different spin in swimfan.

Hermione!!! AGH! How did I forget her! My computer is named Hermione! RIpley, sara conner from terminator 2 (not 1, she was a whiner in 1) Do Strongwomen outnumber Strong Women??? BABY!!! baby from house of a 100 corpses and devils rejects…. In order for a woman to be strong does she have to be bad? Kill bill the bride…

Does making the strong women supernatural mean that a normal woman can't be strong or is it just a way to show just how much a woman can handle?

Scully, clarises straling, laura croft, jodie foster, holly hunter, Chicks from death proof… fellinni films, barbara stanwyck! Of course all the porn greats, Tracy lords, annie sprinkle, annabelle chong, but I've talked about them before. Hostel II, Mae west, penelope, (both ricci and weatherspoon) AH! Rose and Martha on Doctor who!… though I guess Rose does rely on the doctor alot… have to talk to april about that one.

ANI!!! I could do a whole thing on ani difranco! She's amazing! Not to mention all the other strong female musicians!!! Shit, this is getting to big.

combine this with anarchy,a nd poetic terrorism, obviously emma goldman comes to mind, but what else… combine these twot hings into something…. not sure what…. Stand up to your governemtn girls!

the stories that aggravate me are the ones where the females are too perfect or they stillhave to be saved… buffy always ends up saving everyone else and she is sooooo not perfect. She is a great character. but most movies are making this awful girls who are physically strong but boring and dumb, or they have a special trait, masculine trait,but they don't think, just look hot. and they still can't take care of themselves… everyone has to be saved once in awhile.

GOD!!! THis explains the japanese thing as well, or at least brings it in full circle so everything fits!! AHHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAH YES!! I came to goddard to be a ebtter artist but I really wanted to be a stronger woman. I inadvertantly focused on strong women and created my own character than I became very unhappy with because she wasn't strong, but rather following after some fool bird. So I focused on other things that had strong women in them, porn, japanese anime, anarchy!!! I love this! Marlene from Fight club! Perfect! Female super villians explains my facist anachist thing. This is great. I love it.

So sailor moon, all the characters, evangelion, all the female characters, the other jpop strong females.


OK so I have to come up with some stuff to do besides looking up strong females on the internet. Obviously I've got movies I can watch, books i can read, reseach I can do,but what about the art? I have teh "messages to me" shoot, I was thinking of two rather silly ideas. Have a model dress up as different strong female characters and videotape myself painting in costume… Not sure how that one works just yet.

3/6/09 Digital art tab has the photos for this blog
Set up the shoot. I got Mitchell to do the dirty work for me. He knows how to hanlde a camera well enough and follow directions so I could get what I wanted. We shot for a couple of hours. A light bulb blew… actually I blew the outlet a little. Had to clean up glass. Anyway, he wrote the words and took the pictures until I was satisfied. Most were easy. Not your property was a pain in the ass, pardon the pun. It just wouldn't come out right. Don't need saving was a last minute one, but I like it the best. Mitchell wrote the words in make up pencil, we went through three or four. He took the pictures, I set up the shots. I set up the background and everything too. I thin they came out pretty good.

7 hours of editing! I'm so tired of looking at the computer right now. I went for a grungy kind of look on most of them. THE WHOLE FEELING DIRTY THING PLAYING INTO THE IMAGES. oops caps lock was on. Anyway, I' worked all day get the images just the way I wanted them. I'm happy with the outcome and in this case that's what matters. I'm not tryng to crate something for anyone else. Just myself. Though if someone else can gain anything from these works then great! I would like to think of them as soul changing images, Ideas to wake up women who are in places like I find myself so often. Unsure, unhappy and not very confident.

Cameron art gallery at Wilmington today was wonderful saw the most amazing installation and some famous works as well. An elizabeth murray piece that really inspired me on my road to multimedia dn interdisciplinary art. I also took several photos which will be up soon and I intended on video taping the aquaium to go along with my other video, however the camera has decided it doesnt want to work anymore. Nt sure how I'm going to fix that one. THis was lso a "ritualistic" trip for me in many ways. Kure beach and the surrounding areas are on eo fmy favorite places to go, and I have visited many time in the past three years… in my head. It was one of the destination that Mark and I regularly went to and since he dumped me three years ago Ihave been unable to go back. The thought of seeing that place killed me. well since his reaapear/disappear act I realized that He really doesn't deserve to be friens with me. if he can't handle me he doens't need to be a part of my life and I don't feel like wasting anymore time thinking about him. SO I reclaimed the place that he took from me. I took the kids and we went to the exact same spot onthe beach and drove by the same restaurants and motels. It wasn't as hard as I though it was going to be. Actually it wasn't hard at all. So I have actually completes A task I set out for myself back in G-1. reclaming lost spaces.

Phantasm, the installation my Bob Deyoung really spoke to me. I began on a collage today. It's working of his theme of dreams and dreamscapes.

So exhaustion and lack of brain power has forced me into drone mode, so although I am not sending in links to the website as part of the packet, I have worked on the website as part of the packet work. I reformatted the still images so they are now on seperate pages instead of tabs. I thought I would like the tabs but I didn't really. I still need to do some work on it. I have to transfer all the archived images over or find somewhere else to put them. I also put a short artist statement blurb on the front main page and added three small slide shows. I like the way it looks right now. I am a cyber packrat. I don't get rid of anything on my pages. Granted I do the same thing at home as well. I have about three pages that are actually names photography on that site but only one of them is linked at the moment. I really have to clean it up. I have reorganized my picasa, which I dont think is going ot have enough storage space for my pix. I like the slide show, but I may hve to go back to bay img and photobucket. Photobucket is so much easier if you are wanting to create pages of images that you can really look at.

I had an idea far a story, going back to the fairytale theme. A maze in which someone lives and has to get out, but doesn't know that there is an outside. SOmething like that… it's haf way between an idea and a thought right now.

I spent several hours editing photos again. There are two new slide shows up on the site. Kure beach pictures and aquarium pictures. I also wrote a bit on why I take pictures when I go places. I'm chronicling so that I won't forget later. Unfortunately realized there is still a problem with my camera. There are small grayish circles on all the pictures. Depending on what the picture is of you can't see it, but I can't do any professional shoots as long as that's on there.I really need a new video camera and still camera as well.

After editing the photos from the aquarium I remembered this video piece I did last semester called America in a fish tank. In it You watch fisk swimming by as Tjae talkes about the problems with american society. I started thinking about the addicted to darkness pictures that I was so unhappy with. I did a little work and I came up with an image I like a lot better. It's the same image, but now it has that something extra. I don't know if I could paint it, but I could try and it would be interesting as hell I think. I put up a slideshow that has all the sketches in order for the idea. Kind of a step by step process visual.

I want to create a video to go wth the ultimate question poem. Not sure what I want to do just yet, but I know I want to do something. Got to get the video camera working first though.

I made a video today. I came up wth this idea on the way to work yesterday to make a non-objective video. I actually wanted tot do this for the ultimate question poem. It hought I would lay images over the words while someone with a good voice read them.. not me. Anyway. I created this video today and I began changing the concept. I wanted to see what I could do with the "material" I was thinking about much inthe same way of the formalists in painting. If given the basic need, what could I make using just the editing software. I made a slug with an image. a red background with a black scribble. Not quite sure why I chose that image yet… I used just that one image and i created the entire video and then added sound to it. I really like what I have. THe web version is not as good as the full one though. I think I will do another for the poem if I ever find anyone to read it.

It's odd… I am living without a purpose, without a drive. It's the first time I think I wasn't living in order to accomplish some goal. The past three years have been spent trying to either A) get over mark or B) get back together with him. I have a job I like, well enough. I don't have a problem with where I'm living now that I have the boyfriend problem taken care of. I don't have any desire to impress anyone at the moment so I'm not trying to live up to anyone elses standards… problem is I don't really know what Iw ant to do with my art, other than make stuff that I'm interested in and I feel like there should be more to it. But I realy don't have any direction at the moment. I'm interested in what I'm interested in, I believe what I believe but its not a direction… maybe this is how it's suppose to be??? Is this how other people feel, They create just to create, just because they want to not because they are trying to do something else. Not sure if this is even making any sense or not. Maybe I'll be able to articulate better later.

I'm having a problem assimilating knowledge (I think that's the right term) for instance I can learn a new photoshop technique through tutorial but I can't realy seem to apply it to my own work… and I keep forgetting what learned.

She will be inside her basket but she won't get inside your box…. make a box and fill it with others peoples stuff. Be outside of it.
Photoshoot with April where she addresses her issues.
Play with basket stuff for april

Toaster man… keeps popping up… cartoon, animation… things pop up, hands, eyes, penis, etc

Outside the box. What if the box was a television… could have image on the tv, could make flash/video where I am leaning on the TV and the image keeps changing. Could make video where the tv is showing image after image and I proceed to beat the shit out of it with a baseball bat. I see it outside in a field, some trees in the distance… Could combine this idea with the one of different JJ's. Edit video so that it shows me wearing different persona's while the TV talks and shows images… Not sure how to get the effect that's in my head without final cut pro. How would I make my image… just me, not the background or the TV staticy… green screen/blue screen would have to composite three different layers, not very doable in iMovie. COuld easily do this if I had a working video camera and final cut pro. Three layers… The TV screen, Me and the TV, background… COuld do background in photoshop then I only need to figure out to make the TV screen part work right… need not only green screen capabilities but also resizing in order to fit on the smaller screen of the image of the tv. THink maybe, I could do background in photoshop, overlay video of me on top in iMovie, import into flash and add images onto TV that way, lower resolution, may not work to well. the other times I've added video to flash the video was really jerky. I really like this idea, but I gotta work on it.

Looked at the collage today and something clicked. I saw the painting I did of the lone figure with the smoke grabbing at her feet and I saw that these two pieces were made to be together. It is me, feet on the ground, though I feel that it is going to burn me alive, black and gray and trying to pull me in- head in the clouds, blowing my dreams around looking for the right one the good one, the one that will help me. Cushioned by music, inspired by music, protected by music. I blow the smoke out and it becomes the thoughts in my head, drifting away to be stolen by someone else. This will be another split canvas piece, not my first, this will actually be the third piece I have done that will be split between canvases. I'm not sure how to combine a white and colorful piece with a black and red piece. I am attempting to combine two very different works into one cohesive piece that visualizes a second from my life. A second of hope and misery, a moment in which I new I could do anything, but that I was being held back and by what. Feet on the ground, head in the clouds. I also have the problem of how to combine them. One is on paper, one is on canvas. THen there's the "Labadie" problem. Is this work really artistic or just high schoolish and campy. I always wonder what my old mentor would say about my paintings and I know this is one he would not like… which in a way makes it all the more better.

Worked on the collage. First I painted the areas around the "bubbles" with blue, purple and pink… three colors I NEVER use. I added some white and I cut it up. I Plainted a canvas black and added the pieces over the black paint. I added a face I drew then put the two canvases together. It's in the shape of a T, THe larger "mind" above the body. I added the same colors coming up from the painting so that they flow into one another. I added spray paint, to darken it up some… then I added glitter… yes the herpes of art, I added glitter. But it works for me. There is something liberating about allowing myself to use materials that have generally been "Forbidden" by professors. THe piece has become something more. It's a rebellion all dressed up in pretty little bows. It's anger with bubbles, it's a passive aggressive masterpiece. "Do you really want to eat that piece of cake?" Hell fucking yes I do, and I'm gonna lick the icing off the plate… thank you kindly mam. It's a moment of time, but it is also the crap that I put up with daily, it is me rebelling against all the art teachers who told me not to use those lines, those colors, that style, that idea. It is an art work that does not seem to mean much of anything, but says fuck you with puppies and kitties i my own personal way.

Had an idea for a series of images of different kinds of boxes done in a digital format, very photoshopped. A girl straddling a large box full of dangerous stereotypes, a large box filled with darknedd her inside a tiny square cut out from the box, box made of different materials, girl balancing on the corner of a box, tea cup and saucer in her hand, girl stopping herself from being forced into box.

Buffy season 7, the last one, buffy is in charge of protecting the possible slayer candidates. She decides to train them and make then capable of teking care of themselves. THought this would be a good series of shows to analyze the thought process behind making a woman stroner. Yeah in the show it's about conquering evil, but it relates to everyday life as well. Hopefully I'll be able to finish season 7 before the paket period is over so I can add the paper to the packet.

Am getting four comic bok/graphic novels that revolve around female characters. Was thinking of doing a then verses now write up in the female comic character. Comics has always been an interest and a part of my work. my own drawing style tends toward the comic edge, just not as… extreme in physical proportions. I doubt they will be in before packet 2 is over though, so it will be work for next packet.

Am working with april on several collaborative projects that will be in next packet. I will be flying up to visit her next week and we will do a lot of our work then. Also plan on taking more photographs for the collection. had another idea about the landscape chronically images I have. Make a video of all the places, do a write up on the past six years. Maybe a voice over that would go with it telling the story of trying to become a stronger woman. It could be my graduate presentation even. Write up could become part of my portfolio. The six year journey or something.

Thanks to Russel Brand and his MTV awards show jokes I have remembered Michel Foucault who has managed to be the elusive philosopher for me, so I juts bought the damn books I wanted, Again, it won't be till next packet but still, Thanks to Russel I have a very thin thread that connects y poetic terrorism to sexuality, in the form of Russell brand himself. I've also FINALLY gotten the guerilla art book I've been wanting to buy for myself but never could bring myself to get it. Now that I have offically included anarchy and poetic terrorism into my work, I feel justified. I'm considering doing an "Assignment" out of the book every day, but that seems to defeat the purpose almost.

Lisa… strong female

Idea for an essay work on Theda Bara the first film Vamp. Need to watch her silent movies.


Reading and researching and trying to maintain my normal life… ARRGHH I just felt the need to do something… meditative. So I spent most of the afternoon, all evening and half the night making another sex/trance/meditation video.


Spring equinox!!! I'm doing a lot of family type things today so I don't know how much I will get done school wise. My brain is starting to feel fried.


What is art. Improv everywhere put their own spin on the question.

Blood sucking freaks… I started watching it last night because it is 1) one of the most controversioal movies of all time and 2) it was specifically targeted by feminist as a movie that glorified violence to women. I didn't finish got to sleepy, but what I saw was possibly the worst movie ever made. Not because of the violence and gore but just because it was BAD. Terrible acting, terrible camera work, terrible editing, bad quality, bad clothes.. I may or may not go back and finish it. Quite personally I'm surpised it was a controversial movie because it was so amazingly bad no one could believe someone spent money to make it.

Had an idea for a pianting, but i'm not sure how to go about doing it without it coming off cheesy. THe image I had in my head was a woman getting married, kissing her future husband with her hand behind her back fingers crossed. I guess I could crop in really close so that you barely see the husband… I feel like it would come out too much like those cutsy post cards… Of course I could dress a man up in a wedding dress and have him crossing his fingers…. Maybe.

Started read Michel Foucault today, only three pages in and he's saying the exact same thing I was trying to say for the past two semesters, but he's put it soo much better.

Going to Philly tomorrow got A LOT of things lined up to do while I'm down there. Probably need to outline them better so I won't be quite so confused. probem is I haven't even finished what I'm doing here in order to go there yet. Need to do that stuf first.

There are so many things here that I want to take pictures of! Ideas are overflowing! Today I will just take it in tomorrow I work!!

April and I walekd the neighbirhood and I took pictures. There are gorgeous magnolia trees unlike the ones we have here, the houses are all stone and HUGE. She lives at the back of the neighborhood where the underground railroad stopped and I heard all about the history. There is a gorgeous complex that was once used for temple university but now isn't used for anything. There was a spherical topiary thing that was bing enough to climb and get in and we did. We also climbed trees and during it all I took plenty of pictures.

Julie came over for her head shots and as we walked and talked I felt connected to her and comfortble enough to make some suggestions about some shot for myself. SO her photoshoot, not realy something for my portfolio other than being art practice type things, but when we got back she agreed to do some other shoots with me. I dressed her up in Aprils costumes and wigs, blindfolded her and took pictures as this kind of stereotype doll/woman thing. Then we did a photoshop specific shoot, my first one ever, where I had her pose for what I hope will be the out of the box pictures. SO MUCH FUN… then we went out to the city and I took a few more shots as I had a chance but we were in a hurry so I wasn't able to do much.

Today was less artsy. I did a run with the camera for textures and abstracts I can use in my art. THen April and I worked on the practicum… It took a good hour for april to get through my think skull what I was suppose to be doing. I am the type of person who if you say do a million things, I will do a millions and 1… so when you say, look at a lot of galleries, I look at 200 and am trying to find more. April helped translate from normal to JJ in a lot of the practicum stuff. So we did work on the practicum, I wrote out very specific steps along with very specific questions and things I want to know. We did that for a really long time.

We worked on some of aprils stuff. We seperated reed, I took pictures of the reed for her to use in her video stuff, I listened to April read three shakespeare pieces and then I told her what I heard… I my case saw as I tend to visualize everything.. and she recorded me telling what I heard. Then she recorded the ultimate questions poem for me. I want to put visuals to it. Don't know if I'll get to that this semester or not.

My last day here. April and I are going into the city so I can get more pictures… more and more and more But first! April is going to do her own messages to me!! I'm thinking of making this a series possibly. WE'll see… I"m going to use the textures from aprils house to add the effects to her picture, so the image is completely her. I let her design the words and the pictures basically, then I just add the rest.

I love this town! It's so amazing, there are so many different parts in one little area. We didn't even walk the entire city … about 3/4 of it… the city part, not like west philly and stuff. I saw beautiful architecture and graffiti and historical sites and murals and great people… Amazing. I took picture of everything including my first REAL philly cheese steak… I"ll never be able to eat the fake stuff again. Then, I about cried… She took me to love park… Ex skateboarder and skateboard photographer love part has always been the mecca to my christian… if I was christain… Love park is the Skateboarders pilgrimage.. that's what I was trying to say… and although I'm not a skater anymore, it was still so amazing to stand in the place where all the skaters I ever watched and loved use to travel to just to skate it. I know, rather retarded and sentimental, but there it is. I touched the love sign and probably would have lovingly ran my hand across the wax coated ledges if so many skaters and bik guys weren't looking at me as if they wanted me to take their picture… I wonder if deep down they recognized one of their own, even if I am old and no longer a part of the culture.

886… that's how many pictures I have after I took out the really blurry and rotten ones.

I do not need to fly, It takes everything out of me.

Last day of break… I'm going to try to get the pictures edited today… getting ready to get on that as soon as I get some food. I need to find my notes and add them on here cause I have a lot of notes. I also need to send out the praticum letters I worked on and get started on that. I now know what you mean by snthesize so I think I'm going to be ok.

I have been studying female archtypes through out the entire time at goddard even if it wasn't obvious, from the archtype of the eastern seductress to the whore to heriones… Maybe that should be the title of my portfolo,,,
Whore to herione… my life in the sexy, sexy art world or something like that…. I need to go back and do a retrospective on archtypes…. It's not feminism that I"m interested in, just females in general.

Slayer as role model : An Archetypal Study of Women in Buffy the vampire slayer
The American Farmer as Hero: An Archetypal Study of Women on the Farm as Portrayed in Country, Places in the Heart, and the River

ok this sucks, I "finished" the fist box image and printed it out to look at it and I like it on the screen but don't like it on the paper. it went from being brown ish gold and black to being green and orange. The box went from being trnsparent to being green julie looks like she's floating and the trees are just icky.. I cnt think of any other way to describe it. It looks undergrad at best and probably actually looks high schoolish… maybe campy.. but I don't think so. WIll work on it more later. tired of workin in it right now, Two days of this crap. I'm tired or looking at the same image and then it printing out different.

do all guys really want the good girl? Do they say they want the bad girlt hen realize they don't or they can't handle her… is it because she is strong enough to know what she wants? is it because she is her own person? Do you guys what the safe girl because of society or because that's what they are ingrained to like becuse of evolution. weak willed female who will succumb to his whims.

being blinded by the roles we play, they are not seen for what they are or what they do to women

in the image we see a woman doll like, without emotions… she is blindfolded, unaware of what she is, forced to live in a shell that has become a parody of her life. She wanted to be a bombshell, felt obligated to be a mother, was fored to choose the life of a prostitute… whatever the reason or excuse is she is living a role, not a life and is unaware that she is doing it. Forcing herself into a mold or trying to force herself into a mold.

female archtypes… that's what it is… traditional female roles and the visions of them… so why the fuck are they blindfolded? refusing to see… they aren't rea… why did I blind fold them?

Having a hard time working on the perfect woman series… I feel like the photographs alone are not enough but I'm not entirely sure what I'm trying to say with these images. Am I saying that women are blind to their men or that women allow them selves to be blinded or the perfect woman is blind to everyone around her or like justice women should be blind to actions…. I don't know. There are so many way sto interpret this and really and truly it was just a cool idea at the time and I don't know what I'm trying to say which makes it really hard to finish it.

4/2/09 Foamy gets a taste of feminism

Ignore the box…I'm still not completely happy with this, but it's closer than I think I have ever gotten when I was trying to create a digital image. I want it to be more smooth, less messy and jagged, I will have to work more on it.

Synthsize… SO I've heard stramline and cut and just send less… but not synthsize… Now I understand what I am suppose to do. I think. I'm not supose to send all the work I've done, but write a short paper (Cover letter) to sum up everything I've done and only add things that must be seen in order to answer questions an illustrate points…

Practicum… Notes april and I took to help me with the practicum

1. basic process
2. Email 2 0r 3 people based on their experiences, ask for advice in proposing a show/installation and to ask if my questions for the galleries are succinct.
3. WHat is my ideal show… free writing, what could I actualy do if given the chance right now free writing
4. Call galleries, and places to get info and ask questions
5. Create a doable project
6 set up project date

I need to ask what where how who when… these are the basic questions

If everytime I've thought someone thought it and they did does that mean I was picking up on something or something else… examples

Ok… I denied the thoughts and feelings I had about what other people wer thinking… postive things at least but how many times have I been right.
- Mark, knew he liked me before he said anything, just didn't believe it
- Mitchell knew he liked me before he ever did anything
- Brian, knew he wanted more than just friends
- Mike, knew he wanted me again just to get back at me
- Fred, knew she was jealous of mitchell before anything began
- Woody, Wanted me, then changed his mind and I knew every time he flipped back and forth
- Labadie, liked me MORE than just a student… evident in photo shoot question
- Cal, knew he liked me enough to have sunkist moment
Does this mean that everytime I have felt that someone felt something other than what I was expecting that it was/is real… so does the PE teacher actually have a bit of a crush on me… does this mean the negative stuf is always true as well… has mitchell been cheating? planning on cheating? Does it mean that Mark feels the way I think he does? has he always? Why the fuck do I care? Does that mean the guy at G that I thought liked me does? Or is all of this in my imgination?

universe trying to send me messages…e verything interconnected

Sunkist moment

I've had lots of ideas and htoughts over the past weeks, but i've been so busy with other things they weren't pu in here. I've fallen into another depression. DOn't feel like doing nything but reading right now.

had an idea for a series today. media industry standard women being killed by advertising. It would be progressive, starting with one or two murders. then a superhero would come in and she would not be industry standard at all but someone who was compeltely herself and she would "save" the women and defeat advertising.

The reason I don't feel feminist is because I feel as opressed by women as I do my men. I feel that women have treated me just as badly as anyone else, worse in many cases. I can see that the feminist are trying to help the world as a whole and there are far more woem objectified and oppressed by men, but in my life I feel bound by all.

I see an image, a woman on the floor, a dirty room, sheets on the walls, She is on her knees, crying, struggling to get up and there are several people holding ropes that are binding her and trying to keep her down. they are in stereotypical speech, the mother, the father, the cheerleader, the popular guy, the artist, and the suit.

I use to take up space, to be big and bold, i use to let my voice be heard, now I don't even talk. I squeeze myself into the smallest space I can fit and I hide, quiet and withdrawn. Invisible if possible. I use to wear rainbosa now I wear shadows. I use to dance all night and now I sleep all day. I have compressed myself and hidden away and I don't know how to get out.

love Christine doza

OK planning on a double photo shoot today inspired by rachel stone and Christine Doza. I want to shoot willow yeling at barbie dolls and trying to teach them to not be influnced by media. Also destroying the TV, rip up magazine advertisements. THought of doing a series with myself, dolls int he bakground to represent the kids being killed by everyday chores. Laying on the floor, covered in pots and dishes. Having food all over me. Running fromt he vacuum, hiding from the iron.. then do the same kind of thing with make up being attacked by lipstick or dress… and a contrast. me in one heel one boot, part jeans part skirt, half make up half normal… A series with a man in more girl poses… men in the leaves with his underwear around his ankles. Man at sink putting on make up bent over seuductively… Ok going to go get images to base these off of. WIll be in the inspiration section.

My problem is not lack of creativity or ideas. it's not even realy resources cause I know how to make do with what I've got. it's just motivation. I don't know how to get motivated. I don't know what to do to make myself wat to work. Right now I have three photo ideas I could be working on but I'm sitting here typing and waasting time.

Why does it have to be men and women, WHy do we have to seperate them so much? Really women do the same things men do Yeah, Ok men have a history of doing shit more, but owmen do it too. why ca't we just be people in stead of this he she pink blue crap. why do we have to be designated by a body part why not by our qualities? Out osersonal differences. And fine if someone is extremely feminis then yeah.

- On the bed with advertisments layed around her.
- Tearing up advertisements.
- schooling barbie dolls
- yelling no! at barbie dolls
- close up of her tearing advertisements
- Sitting on TV, image of "pretty girl" on screen
- Yelling at TV, Close up (small TV and Large TV)
- Smashing TV standing beside, on, with baseball bat
- Standing in debris
-Close up of her yelling at doll
She is shirtless, as adrogynous as possible, shorts with no decorations, nothing specifically girly or manly.
Need to clean off bed, make area for different parts of shoot.

I read all these feminist accounts about why they became femnist, what catylist propelled them to be the strong woman they are today. Death, rape, pregnancy, opression, inherent independence… I have nothing. I have no memories of my past , except for a few little snippets that seem rather unimportant most times. Sure I have things happen have had things happen to me that I imagine changed me in some way, but I do not have a feminist story mainly because I do not remember much of anything. it makes me wonder why I am the way I am? Is it inherent?

I'm getting increasingly more irritated with my photo's. I'm not sure if it's the camera, the lighting or what, but it seems that my photographs are getting more and more red. The color in every one is prdominantly red, and I don't mean the color of things I put in there. Skin colors, back grounds that are suppose to be white have a reddish tint. I've got a ton of photographs to edit and the majority of what I'm doing is fixing the reds. Maybe it's time for another camera… I have no money for one. I hate to have to buy another one. So I did thephotoshoots with me dead domestically, mitchell as a pin up and willow as a feminist. I've got them narrowed down so there aren't three hundred. but I need to edit them and I'm tired of trying tog et rid of redness… it's irritating me.

I went in and reset the paramaters on the camera, but after looking back at my pictures I think the red actualy coems from my house. THe colors for julies shoot, especiallyt ehone outside wasn't red at all. THe colors looked true. I guess it's my lightbulbs,. I need to invest in some good ones if I'm goin to be shooting inside much more.

Feeling very uncreative today. Can't get any work done. Guess it's ok. I spent the day wth the kids. THought about writing some articles on sex, but I'm sure they've been written already. THought about doing a labyrint with things that oppress people. COntemplate oppression while you walk it.

Don't understanf why everyone likes the stuff that I don't really like. WHy is it the things that really aren't important to me are the ones that everyone loves. I dont get that.

series of images in the style of Lucia Holm and Cindy Sherman. Take up the roles of the females from movies and such

Dress up kessy like scary little muder child… reprise roles from horror movies… use miki as well??? do Psycho… Miki in shower, kessy with knife… Miki in woods kessy as jason… miki in boiler room kessy as freddy
or just focus on the touch woman, killer woman, nt scared of shit thing

Yeah for hollywood.. well ome of the at least. a couple of different actresses/models have been quoted as saying they loved their bodies even if they were what everyone expected. they refuse to conitnue buying inot the media standard super skinny shit.

write memoirs, manfaesto, own personal story on how I came to feminism
Manifesto ala oryx and crake

seven deadly sins as empowering female virtues The opposite of what I'm trying to do.

* Pride becomes the virtue of Humility. Instead of being prideful and boastful about only your own accomplishments, trust that your greatness will shine through and make the effort to recognize those with whose help you were able to achieve such greatness. None of us are on the path alone and when people are acknowledged and honored, they are generally grateful want to help you more in return.
* Envy becomes the virtue of Kindness. Instead of envying what others have, revel in their successes. By being excited and positive about their successes, you plant the seed in your subconscious that says “this feels good” even it is someone else’s. As a result, you attract more of that goodness into your life. The feeling of envy only attracts more negative feelings of envy. Kindness, however, attracts kindness.
* Anger becomes the virtue of Calmness. Anger is emotion run amuck. When you feel anger welling up, ask yourself what is good about what is happening right now. Or, in the words of Bill James, if you can’t do it well, i.e. control the situation, how could you enjoy it in its current incantation? Anger is like holding the sponge of your circumstances so tight it can’t absorb anything new. Release the grip and you release the tension, as a result, you become calmer and the sponge can absorb all kinds of new possibilities.
* Greed becomes the virtue of Generosity. And generosity can stem from one powerful question: How can I be of service? Or to paraphrase President Kennedy, ask not what your boss, co-workers or others can do for you, but what can you do for them?
* Sloth becomes the virtue of Active. What can you do right now to move your goal forward? It doesn’t have to be huge. In fact, sometimes it can be quite small; a kind word, a simple gesture, or the choice not to be angry. Too often we miss the monumental little things because we think only the big ones make a difference.
* Glutton becomes the virtue of Moderation. If there is anything health science has taught us, it’s everything in moderation. So I challenge you to have an average day. If every day were phenomenal, spectacular and over the edge, it too would become ordinary by lack of anything greater to compare it to. Remember, Michael Jordon is only tall because people like me are shorter. If everyone were eight feet tall, he’s not that impressive. Moderation is the virtue of reveling in what is, a little bit of great, a little bit of not so great and a little bit of everything in between. And when you take it all together, you get an average, and that is a great place to be – there in the middle of it all.
* Lust becomes the virtue of Presence. Some things take time to build. Get out of the future and give them time to manifest. Get out of the past, it only holds you back. Instead get into the here and now so that you can make the most of the present, that simple and most valuable gift of the now. If it helps, find a touch stone to bring you back to the now, just in case you lose your way once in a while.

feminist interpretations of the old goddesses in todays world venus as a stripper etc, go for obscure goddesses. Combine pictures of celebs or famous people with names and facts about goddesses… ala anne taintor
List of goddesses
Cybele, an ancient fertility goddess whose worship is thought to have spread from Anatolia to Greece in the Archaic period (c. 800-500) and further during the Hellenistic period (c. 300-50), is known by many names, including
Amaterasu (Japan)
Amaterasu was the Japanese sun goddess who was born from the left eye of the primeval being Izanagi. The ruler of the Plain of Heaven, she was the oldest daughter of Izanagi. She hid in a cave until Uzume lured her out, at
which time a beam of light, the dawn, escaped.
Anat (Canaanite)
Daughter of El and Baal's sister, an archer, virgin, and nursemaid to the gracious gods, Anat was called the Lady of Heaven and Mistress of all gods.
Bastet - Bast - Egypt
Resources on Bastet, the Egyptian goddess usually depicted with non-domestic cat or lion ears. A protective goddess and a daughter of Ra.
Bellona is the Roman goddess of war who is described as the companion, sister, or wife of Mars.
Bixia Yuanjin
Bixia Yuanjin is a Chinese Taoist goddess of childbirth, the dawn, and destiny.
Brigit is the Celtic goddess of fire, healing, fertility, and patroness of smiths.
Jade Skirt
Goddess of lakes and streams and personification of youthful beauty. She caused the great flood. Chalchiuhtlicue is married to the god of rain, Tlaloc.
Flower Quetzal-or Plumage
Patroness of erotic love, maize, vegetation, artistry, and prostitutes. She is said to have been taken to the Underworld by Xolotl and to have eaten forbidden fruit.
Demeter is the Greek goddess of grain. Ceres is the Latin name for Demeter. The Eleusinian Mysteries celebrate the rites of Demeter and her daughter Persephone (Ceres and Proserpina).
Demeter was a goddess of fertility, grain, and agriculture. She is pictured as a mature motherly figure. Although she is the goddess who taught mankind about agriculture, she is also the goddess responsible for creating winter. While her daughter Persephone was missing and no one seemed to know what had happened, Demeter grieved. She refused to do her job, so nothing grew. This was winter.
Ceridwen is a Celtic shape-shifting goddess of poetic inspiration. She keeps a cauldron of wisdom. She is the mother of Taliesin.
British goddess connected with river and water cults, equated with Minerva, by the Romans and possibly linked with the goddess Brigit.
Epona is a Celtic horse goddess associated with fertility, a cornucopia, horses, asses, mules, and oxen who accompanied the soul on its final journey.

  1. Damkina

Earth mother goddess, wife of Ea and mother of Marduk.

  1. Ishtar (Inanna)

A great goddess, the goddess of love and war. She descended to the Underworld to try to regain her lover.

  1. Nintu (Ki)

A great Sumerian goddess, wife of Anu and mother of all gods, she created humans from clay. One of four Sumerian creating gods.
Eos was the Greek goddess of the dawn and equated by the Romans with Aurora. Eos is either a winged goddess or she rides a chariot across the sky bringing in the dawn. Her horses are Lampus and Phaethon, in the Odyssey.

  1. Tiamat

Great goddess, counterpart of Sumerian Nintu. Primeval chaos. Destroyed by her children to create the world.

  1. Kishar

Daughter of Tiamat and Apsu, sister and wife of Anshar.

  1. Ishtar (Inanna)

A great goddess, the goddess of love and war. She descended to the Underworld to try to regain her lover.
In Sumerian mythology, the goddess Ereskigal was queen of the Underworld.
Freya was the Norse goddess of sex, fertility, war, and wealth. Freya was a Vanir goddess taken as hostage by the Aesir.
Frigg was a Norse goddess of love and fertility. In some accounts she was Odin's wife, making her foremost among the Aesir goddesses. She was the mother of Balder. Friday is named for her.
Gaia — also called Gaea or Ge - was the Greek goddess of the earth. In Hesiod, Gaia came into existence after Chaos and produced the sky, mountains and sea.
Ganga is the goddess of the Ganges River. Ganga is often represented as a beautiful woman with a fish tail instead of legs.
Guari, wife of the god Shiva, represents purity and austerity.
In Egyptian mythology the sky goddess and the daughter of Ra. In legends, Hathor is associated with most of the other goddesses.
Hecate (Hekate) was an underworld/chthonic, moon, or crossroads goddess in Greek mythology. Her parents are variously given as Perses and Asterie [see Genealogy of the 1st Gods] or Asterie and Zeus, among others. Hesiod shows Hecate as a helper of men, honored by Zeus and the Titans, but not an underworld or lunar goddess. In the Homeric Hymn to Demeter, it is Hecate who tells Demeter where her daughter Persephone has gone. Hecate becomes an attendant of Persephone, queen of the Underworld. In the Megalai Ehoiai, Hecate is the mother of Scylla, the sea monster of the Odyssey [see Odyssey Book XII]. Pindar appears to link Hecate with the moon.
. Aphrodite
"Head of Aphrodite"
Aphrodite was the Greek goddess of love and beauty. In the story of the Trojan War, the Trojan Paris awarded Aphrodite the apple of discord after judging her to be the most beautiful of the goddesses. She then sided with the Trojans throughout the war. Aphrodite was married to the ugliest of the gods, the limp smithy Hephaestus. She had many affairs with men, both human and divine. Eros, Anteros, Hymenaios and Aeneas are some of her children. Aglaea (Splendor), Euphrosyne (Mirth), and Thalia (Good Cheer), known collectively as The Graces, followed in the retinue of Aphrodite.
2. Ishtar
Ishtar, the Babylonian goddess of love, procreation, and war, was the daughter and consort of the air god Anu. She was known for destroying her lovers, including a lion, stallion, and shepherd. When the love of her life, the farm god Tammuz, died, she followed him to the Underworld, but she was unable to retrieve him. Ishtar was the heir to the Sumerian goddess Inanna but was more promiscuous. She is called the Cow of Sin (a moon god). She was the wife of a human king, Sargon of Agade.

[ Ishtar]
3. Inanna
Inanna was the oldest of the love goddess of the Mesopotamian region. She was a Sumerian goddess of love and war. Although she is regarded as a virgin, Inanna is a goddess responsible for sexual love, procreation, and fertility. She gave herself to the first mythological king of Sumer, Dumuzi. She was worshiped from the third millennium B.C. and was still worshiped in the 6th century as a goddess driving a 7-lion chariot.

"Matronit: The Goddess of the Kabbala," by Raphael Patai. History of Religions, Vol. 4, No. 1. (Summer, 1964), pp. 53-68.
4. Ashtart
Ashtart or Astarte is a Semitic goddess of sexual love, maternity and fertility, consort of El at Ugarit. In Babylonia, Syria, Phoenicia, and elsewhere, her priestesses were sacred prostitutes. Her son is Tamuz, whom she suckles in artistic representations. She is also a war goddess and is associated with leopards or lions. Sometimes she is two-horned.
5. Venus
"Venus de Milo at the Louvre."Marie-Lan Nguyen/Wikimedia Commons
Venus was the Roman goddess of love and beauty. Usually equated with the Greek goddess Aphrodite, Venus was originally an Italic goddess of vegetation and patron of gardens. The daughter of Jupiter, her son was Cupid.

Venus was a goddess of chastity, although her love affairs were patterned after Aphrodite's, and included a marriage to Vulcan and an affair with Mars. She was associated with the arrival of spring and bringer of joy for humans and gods. In the story of Cupid and Psyche, from "The Golden Ass," by Apuleius, Venus sends her daughter-in-law to the Underworld to bring back a beauty ointment.
6. Hathor
Hathor is an Egyptian goddess who sometimes wears a sun disk with horns on her head and sometimes appears as a cow. She can destroy mankind but is also a patron of lovers and a goddess of childbirth. Hathor nursed the infant Horus when he was being hidden from Seth.
7. Isis
"Isis Nursing Horus"Courtesy of Wikipedia
Isis, an Egyptian goddess of magic, fertility and motherhood, was the daughter of the god Keb (Earth) and the goddess Nut (Sky). She was the sister and wife of Osiris. When her brother Seth killed her husband, Isis searched for his body and reassembled it, making her also a goddess of the dead. She impregnated herself from Osiris' body and gave birth to Horus. Isis is often depicted wearing cow horns with a solar disk between them.
8. Freya
Freya was a beautiful Vanir Norse goddess of love, magic, and divination, who was called upon for help in matters of of love. Freya was the daughter of the god Njord, and the sister of Freyr. Freya herself was loved by men, giants, and dwarfs. By sleeping with four dwarfs she acquired the Brisings necklace. Freya travels on a gold-bristled boar, Hildisvini, or a chariot pulled by two cats.

So I know what I want to do with the goddess thing, but I don't think I'll be able to get it done any time soon. I want to have several diferent models pose as greek goddessses but in modern day job/attire. I would have to make the symbols that went with each goddess in order to make it more "obvious" who each person is. THey would pose in a place of business of in a situatio in which they are doing what they are known for. For example. A picture of a stripper on a pole, wearing next to nothing, a tattoo of a dove on her body somewhere, a scpter at her feet and be wearing myrle leves or clothing with myrtle leaves on it… scepter could also be in miniture on a necklace. Do this for a certain amount of goddesses, covering diferent areas of the world. aztec, greek/roman, norse, celtic, hindu, etc, etc. Would have to have a different model from each one that had the visual standards for each country.

So the camera broke down today and I wasnt able to get the pictures I wanted. The idea was kessy in a white dress in front of a white back ground holding a pink cup filled with "blood". She would pour the blood on the white floor from the cup. I also wanted to do one where she held and egg over someones head nd cracked it open to reveal "blood". I also will not be able to do the photoshoot with arianna this weekend because of the camera fucking up.

Awesome artist Tracy Emin, loving her work so far

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